A Polite Deception

Minnesotan niceness freezes true connection

I don’t watch much reality television, but I have seen every episode of Love is Blind. I’m a romantic. I believe in fated love, love at first sight, and without sight, first sound.

This imperfect production reminds me that love is alive in our newly relationship-lite world. It shows the age-old follies we fall into in the pursuit of it and gives an ethnographic view of geographic love quirks.

This season, Love is Blind: Minneapolis, was personal for me.

I was born and raised in a suburb of Minneapolis. I moved from Minnesota - the most polite state in the country - to New York, the least.

I’d say I never saw a nicer person deceive me than this season’s cast member, Virginia, but that would be a lie. I try to be honest, now. Lying is not kind. But it is nice. Minnesotans know that.

I’m well versed in nice doctrine. There are unspoken rules of polite society wherever society goes, but Minnesota’s ought to include a translator. For those unfamiliar, I can share some surprising insight: Dave isn’t a narcissist; he just wanted to be polite.

We Minnesotans care about people’s comfort. Sure, telling Dave to ignore what his sister thought about his relationship is easy. But she’s family. It's love by sacrifice, and Dave was pulled four ways - family, friends, fiancée, self. While being quartered, few are their best selves, and Dave was a mess (I hope Lauren finds love).

It's no wonder Minnesotans have the lowest transplant rate. They're peer-pressured to please and pulled to remain among those peers. We stay in our gravity of niceness.

I felt selfish for leaving. I still do. I knew if I didn't leave, I might completely lose myself to the interests of others, then resent them for it, and constantly make them unhappy with my passive aggression; Complain about others instead of acting for myself. Like how Sara kept bringing up her and Ben’s different ideologies instead of just moving on. I wouldn’t have had the grace to smile and nod as well as Virginia, which is why her ‘no’ at the altar was all the more shocking for me to watch. I forget that some people are impeccably nice.

She brought Devin, a man on the brink, to a new shattering loss on an altar in front of cameras and a whole house of witnesses, because she really cared about him. It takes caring to deceive and disrespect by not giving them the power to make their own life choices. Or, as she said, “I had to protect Devin.” We know action by inaction.

Similarly, we didn’t get to see what Sarah would do for the lesbians and Black lives that matter to her so dearly other than string along Ben (for the extra air time the causes amassed in the moments between when she knew the relationship would never work, when she admitted it to herself, and ultimately told the person who deserved to hear it). Or, as cast member Monica said, “that [opportunity for self-advocacy] was stolen from me.”

We Minnesotans have a problem with not telling people what we think. It’s nice to put others’ before ourselves. Even Dave’s oft-mentioned friends (RIP to their Instagram notifications) spent so much energy exchanging information behind his back because they just want him to be happy.

Gossip isn’t always mean-spirited. It takes caring about others to spend time thinking about them, discussing them, listening to others talk about them, and dissecting how you should treat them without actually bothering them. Besides, the information exchange network is almost a public service when nobody is giving their real opinions for fear of ruffling feathers.

With this level of emotional convolution in service to greater consensus, it’s no surprise this season had so many separations due to political alignment. It’s an agreeable reason. Few can really argue with that. The less arguing, the better, for all, really, right?

Pardon me, my passive aggression revealed itself. Since I first moved away and met my husband in London, I’ve been working on speaking my mind. I was glad to hear so many cast members do so at the reunion, too. We love personal growth. There, Virginia shared she wasn’t used to prioritizing herself in relationships. To a Minnesotan, that sounds benign. But I believe it is the gravest error one can make in relationship. To conceal your true self, is to lie to those you love.

The Minneapolis couple who did marry, Taylor and Dan, showed us that Minnesotans know how to authentically be themselves. Taylor spoke her spiraling truth despite the fear and shame – she had worried Dan had targeted her and manipulated her into love. Internet commentators said that wouldn't have bothered them. But we Minnesotans have a fear of being lied to and deceived, because we know how nicely it can be done.

It was particularly poignant when Dan repeatedly called her “kind,” at the reunion last night. I’ve lived in New York for four years now. It doesn't protect anyone from uncomfortable truths and isn't polite. But New Yorkers respect you enough to let you make your own decisions. They don't coddle you with false niceties or shield you from their authentic selves. I’ve found New York is kind.

I often feel pulled back home. Especially now that I've found the strength of self-conviction that allows me to love without losing myself. Minnesota is a place full of love – you could see that from the cast members' parents on this season. When given the time to learn themselves, to be themselves, and to rise above the follies our conscientious culture is prone to, Minnesotan love is forever.

What can I say? I’m a romantic. Minnesota is my love that got away.

Thank you for reading about my guilty pleasure ❤️

Next week’s Happy Endings will be more real love than reality love.

Did you enjoy this diversion? Let me know in the comments 😘