As a person who grew up in a very sex positive home I am so grateful to hear encouragement for more of this! When I told my mom I had my first boyfriend, she immediately made a doctor’s appointment for me to look into birth control — no judgment, no questions asked. I wasn’t even having sex yet but she wanted to provide me the space to do so. The majority of people in my world did not have this same privilege which lead to a misunderstanding of sexuality for many. While I often would cover my ears when my mom would talk about how things were “in the bedroom” with her new boyfriend, I would take this over silence any day.
Such a wonderful essay on openness and sex, especially in our still puritanical culture, which seems so embedded in our being that to deviate, as you said, makes you question yourself and gives a feeling of shame and guilt for doing what you know isn't bad morally, even if those around you say it is.
"Drugs" is also another area where adults just can't comprehend that some aren't as bad as they thought, like psychedelics, when most are illegal for arbitrary reasons and cause less harm than legal options (e.g. alcohol).
Yes yes yes, totally! I was just having a chat with our kids bff's parents yesterday about the way we're discussing alcohol and drugs in our homes. And it felt so similar to this essay that I'd already, naturally, had scheduled to post today. I'm so glad you see those parallels too.
My husband's parents, just like sex, weren't as protective about alcohol and drugs as mine (the English for ya!), and as a consequence, his entry into adulthood was much smoother than mine.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful read and response!! ❤️
Yep, same for mine as yours, basically the silence and lack of explanation/exposure ended up worse for me with alcohol and sex. Stumbling into adulthood, I somehow made it out, but others are not so lucky. I hope to help my kids in that regard, so they can transition into adults in a more healthy manner.
My wife and I grew up in similar dynamics to you and your husband. In my wife’s childhood home, sex was taboo and never discussed. Her mother told about her period, and skipped the sex talk. She had to learn from older brother (who was a perv). In my open, sex was openly discussed, there was no secret that our parents had sex. And my brother and I learned in a sex positive environment. Mostly because of our mom. We raised our daughter in a sex positive way, never hid our sexuality from her, and never shamed sex or sexual desire. She was pretty much a prude herself, until she reached adulthood. She never went through that rebellious phase so many teens go through because she didn’t really have to rebel.
Yes that’s totally it - not *needing* to rebel. I love the way you’re describing it. The angst can be channeled in fun ways instead 🙃😘 I’m glad you and your wife found each other and that your daughter has you both!
Thank you, I love this! I have similar feelings about my writing and my little boys. I assume they will be a little embarrassed once they can read but one friend pointed out having a sex positive mom will make it worth it. I hope so ❤️
Yes!! I'm glad you relate. Our kids might have an extra hang-up that most kids don't, but they'll have far fewer of the ones most kids do. At least, as you say, I hope! ❤️❤️
Wonderful post - so clearly identifying the patterns that cause rot and hiding and so inspiringly owning your own truth and the role model you are in your own right and unique way. Thank you 🥰
I find this aspect of being an extra-ebullient sexual being so frustrating. I have to anonymize here. All of what I say here, I need to in order to not hide stuff I value, to express, and connect with other like minded folks. But I just can't have a public side here coexist with, well, the LinkedIn version of myself. I guess maybe we'll all evolve to a point where our parts can be expressed equally. But we aren't there yet.
Absolutely! I know it’s uncommon to feel safe enough to do what I do. I hope that by doing this, that will be something more people feel free enough to do with time. And you sharing how you do, also contributes to future freedoms, I feel ❤️❤️❤️
This was so honest and refreshing to read!!! So many excellently considered points really spelled out clearly. Thanks for sharing this important topic with us.
"The best gift I can give my children is to model being unafraid. To be wholly myself – to do the work I’m called to do, to tell the truth, and show them that sex, and the art it inspires, is a healthy part of a fully lived life." As a person who may or may not become a parent, I am filing this one away in case I do. This is beautiful and important work, my friend.
Oh gosh, Lyndsey, thank you so much 🥺 and I really cannot recommend parenting enough! It is absolutely the *best.* And these haters are really such a small minority... I'm not bothered by them, really, but I felt this response was useful for the young, less brave version of me, you know?
Great read and I wholeheartedly support your message. But I do want to comment that it’s not all or nothing. Our home is very sex positive and my children will never be uncomfortable with their sexuality. Still, I would never write what I write under my real name and have them grow up knowing about my quirky kinks — that can wait until they’re adults.
Mmmm... I sat with your comment a little because it intrigued something in me. On the one hand I agree and of course I agree with Abigail that we must each determine for ourselves what we feel ready for in terms of sharing personal and private details. At the same time I want to celebrate Abi for writing under her own name because it definitely adds a level of potency to her shares. It's part of her medicine.
I have a few people I follow that can shock me a bit in the intimate and taboo stuff they share and tho I initially felt a little judgement on getting such shocks, I now realise they serve as a wake up and an invitation to extend that boundary in my own way. To own the sacred practices and experiences that serve me despite the fact others may judge. That there is a longing to feel that free that gets highlighted when someone else days to pop out above the crowd, shameless and pure (though I'm sure it comes with its challenges)
Though I am not a mother myself, I also think it is a real gift for a child to have a parent that is sharing who they are so openly, even if it is a bit embarrassing, because there really aren't that many examples of true boldness and 'this is me, no apologies' out there. So if a child gets to witness this first hand, I imagine they will conquer their own shame that much faster and more profoundly.
Just some musings. Also totally understand not wanting to or feeling ready to share under your own name. Just feel gratitude that their are those out there like Abi who dare to! And can feel my own shares becoming more authentic and 'shameless' because of it, even tho I write on completely other topics. 🥰
Over the holidays, my 23-year-old daughter was home for a week or so, on winter break from grad school. She had a gift exchange with a handful of her high school friends, and the theme was that everyone bought multiples of their "favorite things" (TJ's hand cream I hear is a favorite!) and they compiled goody bags for one another.
She brought the bag home and in the morning it was on the counter while she, her sisters, myself, and my boyfriend sat around having coffee. As she was showing us the contents, she pushed a few things to the bottom of the bag, mumbling something like "sort of x-rated" (I learned later there were condoms and handcuffs and a bullet vibrator included) and--and this is the point of the story, this is why I'm sharing--my 18-year-old rolled her eyes and said "Ohmygosh, how are you possibly embarrassed to show that stuff TO MOM?" And it made me so happy to know that that is her default reaction: "mom is a safe place for all of this."
At this point, my boyfriend graciously stepped up to acknowledge his role. He coughed and laughed and said "Well, maybe I'm the barrier here." :) And, honestly, that exchange couldn't have gone any better from my point of view--he's relatively new in their lives, certainly not someone they want to discuss their intimate lives in front of. And yet, the general acknowledgement that we are all sexual beings, that there is nothing wrong with the fact of knowing that we are all sexual beings, and honoring that.
As a person who grew up in a very sex positive home I am so grateful to hear encouragement for more of this! When I told my mom I had my first boyfriend, she immediately made a doctor’s appointment for me to look into birth control — no judgment, no questions asked. I wasn’t even having sex yet but she wanted to provide me the space to do so. The majority of people in my world did not have this same privilege which lead to a misunderstanding of sexuality for many. While I often would cover my ears when my mom would talk about how things were “in the bedroom” with her new boyfriend, I would take this over silence any day.
Great read! Thanks for sharing.
I love hearing this! 🥹🥹🥹 Thank you for sharing. I bet you make your mom really proud.
Such a wonderful essay on openness and sex, especially in our still puritanical culture, which seems so embedded in our being that to deviate, as you said, makes you question yourself and gives a feeling of shame and guilt for doing what you know isn't bad morally, even if those around you say it is.
"Drugs" is also another area where adults just can't comprehend that some aren't as bad as they thought, like psychedelics, when most are illegal for arbitrary reasons and cause less harm than legal options (e.g. alcohol).
Thank you for a wonderful read!
Yes yes yes, totally! I was just having a chat with our kids bff's parents yesterday about the way we're discussing alcohol and drugs in our homes. And it felt so similar to this essay that I'd already, naturally, had scheduled to post today. I'm so glad you see those parallels too.
My husband's parents, just like sex, weren't as protective about alcohol and drugs as mine (the English for ya!), and as a consequence, his entry into adulthood was much smoother than mine.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful read and response!! ❤️
Yep, same for mine as yours, basically the silence and lack of explanation/exposure ended up worse for me with alcohol and sex. Stumbling into adulthood, I somehow made it out, but others are not so lucky. I hope to help my kids in that regard, so they can transition into adults in a more healthy manner.
100% ditto! ❤️❤️❤️
My wife and I grew up in similar dynamics to you and your husband. In my wife’s childhood home, sex was taboo and never discussed. Her mother told about her period, and skipped the sex talk. She had to learn from older brother (who was a perv). In my open, sex was openly discussed, there was no secret that our parents had sex. And my brother and I learned in a sex positive environment. Mostly because of our mom. We raised our daughter in a sex positive way, never hid our sexuality from her, and never shamed sex or sexual desire. She was pretty much a prude herself, until she reached adulthood. She never went through that rebellious phase so many teens go through because she didn’t really have to rebel.
Yes that’s totally it - not *needing* to rebel. I love the way you’re describing it. The angst can be channeled in fun ways instead 🙃😘 I’m glad you and your wife found each other and that your daughter has you both!
Thank you, I love this! I have similar feelings about my writing and my little boys. I assume they will be a little embarrassed once they can read but one friend pointed out having a sex positive mom will make it worth it. I hope so ❤️
Yes!! I'm glad you relate. Our kids might have an extra hang-up that most kids don't, but they'll have far fewer of the ones most kids do. At least, as you say, I hope! ❤️❤️
Wonderful post - so clearly identifying the patterns that cause rot and hiding and so inspiringly owning your own truth and the role model you are in your own right and unique way. Thank you 🥰
Aww Cathy you make me smile. Thank you so much for reading and seeing and saying this ❤️
Abi, you just have a way with words that keep the reader glued to your story. I always enjoy your post.
Eddy, thank you so much 🥹🥰🥰😘 That’s a very kind compliment
I find this aspect of being an extra-ebullient sexual being so frustrating. I have to anonymize here. All of what I say here, I need to in order to not hide stuff I value, to express, and connect with other like minded folks. But I just can't have a public side here coexist with, well, the LinkedIn version of myself. I guess maybe we'll all evolve to a point where our parts can be expressed equally. But we aren't there yet.
Absolutely! I know it’s uncommon to feel safe enough to do what I do. I hope that by doing this, that will be something more people feel free enough to do with time. And you sharing how you do, also contributes to future freedoms, I feel ❤️❤️❤️
It's part of why I admire you from afar....
❤️🥰😘
Good work, thank you.
Thank *you*! ❤️❤️
This was so honest and refreshing to read!!! So many excellently considered points really spelled out clearly. Thanks for sharing this important topic with us.
Thank you, Michelle! I'm really glad you think so. I appreciate your support so much ❤️
"The best gift I can give my children is to model being unafraid. To be wholly myself – to do the work I’m called to do, to tell the truth, and show them that sex, and the art it inspires, is a healthy part of a fully lived life." As a person who may or may not become a parent, I am filing this one away in case I do. This is beautiful and important work, my friend.
Oh gosh, Lyndsey, thank you so much 🥺 and I really cannot recommend parenting enough! It is absolutely the *best.* And these haters are really such a small minority... I'm not bothered by them, really, but I felt this response was useful for the young, less brave version of me, you know?
Great read and I wholeheartedly support your message. But I do want to comment that it’s not all or nothing. Our home is very sex positive and my children will never be uncomfortable with their sexuality. Still, I would never write what I write under my real name and have them grow up knowing about my quirky kinks — that can wait until they’re adults.
Absolutely! As I say, privacy and secrecy are different things. Cheers to doing what’s right for yourself and your family!
Mmmm... I sat with your comment a little because it intrigued something in me. On the one hand I agree and of course I agree with Abigail that we must each determine for ourselves what we feel ready for in terms of sharing personal and private details. At the same time I want to celebrate Abi for writing under her own name because it definitely adds a level of potency to her shares. It's part of her medicine.
I have a few people I follow that can shock me a bit in the intimate and taboo stuff they share and tho I initially felt a little judgement on getting such shocks, I now realise they serve as a wake up and an invitation to extend that boundary in my own way. To own the sacred practices and experiences that serve me despite the fact others may judge. That there is a longing to feel that free that gets highlighted when someone else days to pop out above the crowd, shameless and pure (though I'm sure it comes with its challenges)
Though I am not a mother myself, I also think it is a real gift for a child to have a parent that is sharing who they are so openly, even if it is a bit embarrassing, because there really aren't that many examples of true boldness and 'this is me, no apologies' out there. So if a child gets to witness this first hand, I imagine they will conquer their own shame that much faster and more profoundly.
Just some musings. Also totally understand not wanting to or feeling ready to share under your own name. Just feel gratitude that their are those out there like Abi who dare to! And can feel my own shares becoming more authentic and 'shameless' because of it, even tho I write on completely other topics. 🥰
I’m genuinely tearing up. Thank you ❤️
With all my love, thank you 🥰
Over the holidays, my 23-year-old daughter was home for a week or so, on winter break from grad school. She had a gift exchange with a handful of her high school friends, and the theme was that everyone bought multiples of their "favorite things" (TJ's hand cream I hear is a favorite!) and they compiled goody bags for one another.
She brought the bag home and in the morning it was on the counter while she, her sisters, myself, and my boyfriend sat around having coffee. As she was showing us the contents, she pushed a few things to the bottom of the bag, mumbling something like "sort of x-rated" (I learned later there were condoms and handcuffs and a bullet vibrator included) and--and this is the point of the story, this is why I'm sharing--my 18-year-old rolled her eyes and said "Ohmygosh, how are you possibly embarrassed to show that stuff TO MOM?" And it made me so happy to know that that is her default reaction: "mom is a safe place for all of this."
At this point, my boyfriend graciously stepped up to acknowledge his role. He coughed and laughed and said "Well, maybe I'm the barrier here." :) And, honestly, that exchange couldn't have gone any better from my point of view--he's relatively new in their lives, certainly not someone they want to discuss their intimate lives in front of. And yet, the general acknowledgement that we are all sexual beings, that there is nothing wrong with the fact of knowing that we are all sexual beings, and honoring that.
Thank you!!