My husband’s other man

He meets his needs in ways I can't

The most texted number on my husband’s phone is a man I’ve never met.

I don’t know much about him. But I know he went to jail once for gross bodily harm. I know he ghosted a friend of ours after having a year-long text affair while he was in bed healing from spinal surgery. I know he doesn’t get out much. My husband and he went to the same university. Their intellectual interests have a notable overlap, but their opinions are sufficiently distinct to make for a lively debate.

Mostly, I know he and my husband love a debate.

They text almost every day. I recognize his photo on WhatsApp, and I especially recognize the face and feverous typing speed of my husband when he’s messaging him.

“What are you doing?” I ask, knowing the answer.

“Texting [Redacted],” he says.

Then he’ll fill me in on what I missed. Sometimes he sends me a series of screenshots, laughing as he rereads them to select which to share with me.

They never make me laugh. Ok, rarely.

“Friendship” by Pablo Picasso (1908)

Because, although he and I find things to laugh about and debate, [Redacted] is a better intellectual companion for my husband than I am.

This once unsettled me. I wanted to be the first person my love thought of sharing things with.

But when I’m being honest with myself, and him, I can admit I don’t have much interest in whether AI is in a bubble, evolution-themed memes about the dominance of mice over dinosaurs, whether the jevon’s paradox applies to human labor, the psychological profile of people with large dogs, the psychological profile of people who buy Star Wars kitchen appliances, the existence of yetis, whether the media shapes opinions and beliefs ([Redacted]) or if it reflects them (my husband)¹. And I’m really quite glad he has someone who appreciates that sort of mental sparring².

Because with [Redacted] in his life, my husband is a more fulfilled person. And it comforts me that he has community, and that he is so good at male friendship³.

One day, I hope to meet my husband’s conversational partner. I hope to hug him and thank him for his contribution to my husband's inner life. And I will, as I do now, take solace in how, unlike with his mind, my body is a full overlap with his interests⁴.

Soundtrack:

1. Ok, I do enjoy this singular topic. And I do side with [Redacted] more than Joe, although it’s obviously cyclical.

2. I’m not as hardcore. I like a little mental play-wrestling — but I’m not a man from Derbyshire, so I’m unfamiliar with both banter and GBH.

3. There’s no mankeeping in this hetero-(born-again-)monogamous relationship. My husband has a knack for masculine camaraderie.

4. Not meant as a superiority thing — just our thing.