This has been on my mind lately after a dinner with some (mostly single) women in their 30s where everything from "teasing in a way I don't like" to the way a person texted was a "red flag". I left thinking, if you identify every nit picky thing a man does as a red flag, you are closing yourself off to love.
Totally totally!! I’m glad you’ve picked up on this too. It feels like we’re killing opportunities for connection in a quest for the obvious and easy to understand. And I don’t exactly blame us. Culture pushes us toward homogeny. Young people aren’t even spending as much time with each other. They’re less practiced in confronting differences. Thus, we think our idea of right is the only way. I think it’s time to confront this bologna 🙃 Thanks for reading, btw!!
First of all, I’m sure I am old enough to be your mother. My words of wisdom to ladies on the hunt is STOP. True love cannot be run after. It just finds you. The pressure has to be a turn off for men. They can sense desperation. Like John Lennon sang, let it be.
Totally agree!! Anyone who likes the essence of desperation isn’t a partner you’d like to have. But I’ve encountered more women anti-hunt lately. So many seem to be pushing potential partners away with these hyper-particular preferences. So, yes, let it be! See how things evolve. Enjoy company, instead of looking for a yes or no.
These are cute! Leopard print one made me laugh. I think I only have a few sincere red flags - one being a very picky eater (unrelated to like an allergy, feel like it speaks to larger incuriosity about life) BUT I now think you should be pretty open, vibes based haha. Love isn’t logical and I feel like when I listen to friends talk about guys, I’m like… yeah that guy probably doesn’t exist. Shoot, had I had politics as one of mine, my husband and I would have never gotten together. Our politics were different when we first met.
Hahaha I would have the same bias about eating. Joe doesn't like banana's and part of me - every time - thinks, wtf even babies like them?? But, yes, love isn't logical, and we DEF mess it up when we get too in our heads about shit. And your point 'that guy probably doesn't exist' is so interesting to me. I've thought so often about how we can construct ideas of our suitors and crushes that suit our interests and wishes... and how this does a disservice to everyone involved... I now want to consider how this phenomenon intersects with our 'red flag' obsession...
Anyways, THANKS for sharing your red flags!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Your text and the points you raised about men are interesting. I completely agree with you on everything you mentioned and I'll go further; men are a BLACK BOX with mysteries that even they don't know about. Anyway, human instinct, through perception, tells us when we are or are not wanted and loved. Regarding the leopard print sheet, lol 🤣, it's up to taste, although you're the one who analyzed the supposed sexual voracity and the results camouflaged in that sheet. Congratulations on the text, it was a great pleasure to read it. Hugs 🤗 🌹
Thank you so much for reading, and expanding the point here. I do think some people can become black box's, can't they? I think my Joe is fairly simple, really. But I overcomplicated him in my own mind. I think so many can do just that - overthink and complicate people instead of just accepting, noticing, appreciating... I'm so grateful to have a love that allowed me to learn, and improve, this skill with time :) I love knowing you enjoyed this piece. Thanks so much for chatting about it with me!!
Life is simply a reflection of empathy and affinities, as a man I understood his position, how he likes to write, observe and be detail-oriented is one of my qualities. Maybe the subject addressed aroused some relationship with the readers, however, life is not a standard but it is almost all kind of similar, only the addresses and the pigmentation change kkk 🤣 . We learn from each other. Hug 🤗 🌹
My husband and I come from different religious backgrounds. Though we had some similar interests when we met, we still approached the stuff rather differently: a “red flag” to some ppl in my church community. Now after 5 years of marriage we are even more different in our practices and beliefs too. Does that prove the red flag–wavers right? I don’t think so. Our differences have given me occasion to grow in imagination, confidence in my own wishes, and attention to his process and growth. And below the religious dogma & practice, our values are aligned. I respect the hell out of his and he treats me in all the right ways. Not to throw stones but I’ll just say our dynamic and happiness outpace many of those I witnessed in spiritual communities before we met and hoped to one day have. In this case, the red flag was just a sign of areas I needed to grow in empathy for and curiosity about. It’s good luck (or grace, in my parlance) to have had the chance to!
ARS, you say this so beautifully. I so agree that our relationship provided the opportunity to expand myself and appreciate someone for their differences, which in turn, has made me appreciate my own self and differences, too. I think this open mindedness would serve many well in life and love. I really really really love hearing this story about you and your love 🥲🥹❤️ it sounds like there’s something incomparable about the unconditional love that acceptance beyond dogma implies. As always, thanks for reading and sharing!!!!
"I felt at home in his home even before I felt at home with him." This is romantic, magical.
"I loved that he loved living more than working." I love this. The tropes of an American narrator embracing an English dude.
"Because, regardless, reading is never a red flag." Touché.
"And, I wonder, what are you overlooking while looking for love?" Handsome, telling ending.
The red flags I'm currently looking past are a poorly decorated apartment, with an old, moldy couch (while he himself is clean). And the fact that he only has Electrolit (a Gatorade-style beverage), and mezcal in his house (no food). And also that his English isn't perfect. I like speaking in Spanish, so I don't know why I ever made up a rule for myself otherwise :)
I think we all look past almost everything. Our need trumps our judgment, Q - Do you know why? A - Because we live in a jagged promontory where reality fractures—where the architect of illusion builds with ignorance instead of light - the demiurge.
It’s a natural way to get through life, but if your aim isn’t to “get through,” you can have another perspective 👀😘 I work toward the latter every day and it gets easier with practice ❤️
We live in a fractured reality. Not broken—fractured. The cracks are not flaws, they’re apertures. Pain isn’t the enemy. It’s the raw material. The demiurge built a world where suffering loops, where mimicry masquerades as growth. But the one who sits with shadow, who doesn’t rush to transcend but refines—slowly, daily, without spectacle—that one begins to see.
Meditation isn’t escape. It’s descent. Shadow work isn’t drama. It’s editorial. Together, they form a lifelong alchemy. Not to fix the fracture, but to mark it. To live inside it with clarity.
This has been on my mind lately after a dinner with some (mostly single) women in their 30s where everything from "teasing in a way I don't like" to the way a person texted was a "red flag". I left thinking, if you identify every nit picky thing a man does as a red flag, you are closing yourself off to love.
Totally totally!! I’m glad you’ve picked up on this too. It feels like we’re killing opportunities for connection in a quest for the obvious and easy to understand. And I don’t exactly blame us. Culture pushes us toward homogeny. Young people aren’t even spending as much time with each other. They’re less practiced in confronting differences. Thus, we think our idea of right is the only way. I think it’s time to confront this bologna 🙃 Thanks for reading, btw!!
I ignored every red flag with my partner and over four years in, I ignore all the red flags still.
Mostly, yes. We don’t live together. We are each happy to have the other in our lives. Definitely, a lot of oral surgery, for sure. 😌
I’m glad to hear it ❤️
And are you happy? 💕
Machiavelli is 100% misunderstood
All the greatest are 😘
My husband also has a gang of girlfriends, and I am now friends with them lovely ladies. But no 'girll best friend'
What a great relationship bonus!! Thank you for reading :)
First of all, I’m sure I am old enough to be your mother. My words of wisdom to ladies on the hunt is STOP. True love cannot be run after. It just finds you. The pressure has to be a turn off for men. They can sense desperation. Like John Lennon sang, let it be.
Totally agree!! Anyone who likes the essence of desperation isn’t a partner you’d like to have. But I’ve encountered more women anti-hunt lately. So many seem to be pushing potential partners away with these hyper-particular preferences. So, yes, let it be! See how things evolve. Enjoy company, instead of looking for a yes or no.
Thanks for reading and commenting ❤️❤️
These are cute! Leopard print one made me laugh. I think I only have a few sincere red flags - one being a very picky eater (unrelated to like an allergy, feel like it speaks to larger incuriosity about life) BUT I now think you should be pretty open, vibes based haha. Love isn’t logical and I feel like when I listen to friends talk about guys, I’m like… yeah that guy probably doesn’t exist. Shoot, had I had politics as one of mine, my husband and I would have never gotten together. Our politics were different when we first met.
Hahaha I would have the same bias about eating. Joe doesn't like banana's and part of me - every time - thinks, wtf even babies like them?? But, yes, love isn't logical, and we DEF mess it up when we get too in our heads about shit. And your point 'that guy probably doesn't exist' is so interesting to me. I've thought so often about how we can construct ideas of our suitors and crushes that suit our interests and wishes... and how this does a disservice to everyone involved... I now want to consider how this phenomenon intersects with our 'red flag' obsession...
Anyways, THANKS for sharing your red flags!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Your text and the points you raised about men are interesting. I completely agree with you on everything you mentioned and I'll go further; men are a BLACK BOX with mysteries that even they don't know about. Anyway, human instinct, through perception, tells us when we are or are not wanted and loved. Regarding the leopard print sheet, lol 🤣, it's up to taste, although you're the one who analyzed the supposed sexual voracity and the results camouflaged in that sheet. Congratulations on the text, it was a great pleasure to read it. Hugs 🤗 🌹
Thank you so much for reading, and expanding the point here. I do think some people can become black box's, can't they? I think my Joe is fairly simple, really. But I overcomplicated him in my own mind. I think so many can do just that - overthink and complicate people instead of just accepting, noticing, appreciating... I'm so grateful to have a love that allowed me to learn, and improve, this skill with time :) I love knowing you enjoyed this piece. Thanks so much for chatting about it with me!!
Life is simply a reflection of empathy and affinities, as a man I understood his position, how he likes to write, observe and be detail-oriented is one of my qualities. Maybe the subject addressed aroused some relationship with the readers, however, life is not a standard but it is almost all kind of similar, only the addresses and the pigmentation change kkk 🤣 . We learn from each other. Hug 🤗 🌹
My husband and I come from different religious backgrounds. Though we had some similar interests when we met, we still approached the stuff rather differently: a “red flag” to some ppl in my church community. Now after 5 years of marriage we are even more different in our practices and beliefs too. Does that prove the red flag–wavers right? I don’t think so. Our differences have given me occasion to grow in imagination, confidence in my own wishes, and attention to his process and growth. And below the religious dogma & practice, our values are aligned. I respect the hell out of his and he treats me in all the right ways. Not to throw stones but I’ll just say our dynamic and happiness outpace many of those I witnessed in spiritual communities before we met and hoped to one day have. In this case, the red flag was just a sign of areas I needed to grow in empathy for and curiosity about. It’s good luck (or grace, in my parlance) to have had the chance to!
ARS, you say this so beautifully. I so agree that our relationship provided the opportunity to expand myself and appreciate someone for their differences, which in turn, has made me appreciate my own self and differences, too. I think this open mindedness would serve many well in life and love. I really really really love hearing this story about you and your love 🥲🥹❤️ it sounds like there’s something incomparable about the unconditional love that acceptance beyond dogma implies. As always, thanks for reading and sharing!!!!
Thx for providing opportunities for more nuanced thought!!
🙏🥰 it’s my pleasure!
So so good. This showed me how comfortable I want to be with the uncomfortable things in my relationships. Brava!
Aww thanks Sarah! I’m really glad it had impact and the way you phrase this is beyond my hopes 💕
"I felt at home in his home even before I felt at home with him." This is romantic, magical.
"I loved that he loved living more than working." I love this. The tropes of an American narrator embracing an English dude.
"Because, regardless, reading is never a red flag." Touché.
"And, I wonder, what are you overlooking while looking for love?" Handsome, telling ending.
The red flags I'm currently looking past are a poorly decorated apartment, with an old, moldy couch (while he himself is clean). And the fact that he only has Electrolit (a Gatorade-style beverage), and mezcal in his house (no food). And also that his English isn't perfect. I like speaking in Spanish, so I don't know why I ever made up a rule for myself otherwise :)
Interesting list! I’d probably consider not having any female friends a red flag, tbh. But I didn’t grow up in America.
I think we all look past almost everything. Our need trumps our judgment, Q - Do you know why? A - Because we live in a jagged promontory where reality fractures—where the architect of illusion builds with ignorance instead of light - the demiurge.
It’s a natural way to get through life, but if your aim isn’t to “get through,” you can have another perspective 👀😘 I work toward the latter every day and it gets easier with practice ❤️
Thank you for reading!
We live in a fractured reality. Not broken—fractured. The cracks are not flaws, they’re apertures. Pain isn’t the enemy. It’s the raw material. The demiurge built a world where suffering loops, where mimicry masquerades as growth. But the one who sits with shadow, who doesn’t rush to transcend but refines—slowly, daily, without spectacle—that one begins to see.
Meditation isn’t escape. It’s descent. Shadow work isn’t drama. It’s editorial. Together, they form a lifelong alchemy. Not to fix the fracture, but to mark it. To live inside it with clarity.
Totally! 👍