This is more important than sex toys
Because you can’t buy your way to better sex - Praxxxis #7
Buying something to fix a problem is a coping mechanism I’m not unfamiliar with. The whole parenting industrial complex runs off of it. Call it my Midwestern work ethic or my learned, lower-middle-class thriftiness, but I actively fight this impulse.
I know I could’ve saved myself a lot of discomfort if I’d just bought an umbrella attachment for our stroller instead of jimmying a couple into the crevices. But when it comes to my sex life, my self-dependence has served me well.
Nobody can buy their way to better sex. A vibrator can help you come, of course, and my husband and my lingerie habit is not cheap, but no external tool (neither our new silicone dildo nor any garter belt) has improved my pleasure so much as internal work.
It’s not sexy. But (stay with me!) it will be sexy.
To feel things I’d never felt, these are the things I prioritize(d)1:
This is my bi-weekly Praxxxis series (short guidance posts that put Happy Endings into practice) that I paywall. But since this post is literally about not paying for things and since it’s my birthday week 🥰, I am sharing it for free.
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Being honest with yourself
Not cruelty. Not ignorance. Not denial. Not blind, baseless self-cheerleading. Because both cutting ourselves down, and hyping ourselves up feed a false notion — that only the beautiful deserve pleasure. This can mean ‘loving yourself as you are’ or it can just mean not giving a shit about how you look, because really, it doesn’t matter. You are who you are. And you deserve pleasure and love. (So long as you’re not a butthead!)
Accepting yourself
Accepting your supposed imperfections. But also… Accepting your lover and your circumstances. (Beyond those that are truly toxic, of course!) If you’re constantly in a state of battle over the disconnect between your expectations and this moment (maybe you wish your thigh hair were less dark, or your apartment were cleaner, or your lover doesn’t check all the boxes you’ve not learned are arbitrary yet), you aren’t in a state to cultivate ecstasy. And it’s a funny paradigm. You think you need to fight for better things, but in fact, once you accept them and let yourself feel pleasure, the better things start coming.
Being curious
Opening yourself, your heart, your mind to newness — like unexplored parts of your own self, possible erotic stimuli, or even perspectives (of the world, of ideas, of living) — is an active choice that makes your world sexier. A mindset of wonder takes you out of mindsets that limit pleasure, like analysis, criticism, or anxiety.
These three things, for me, are both prerequisites and symptoms of the ultimate ‘inner work’…
Presence
I’ve said it before. I’ve said it again. I’ll say it more. Forever, probably. If you aren’t in the moment, in your body, taking in the sights and sounds and sensations, you aren’t capable of anything more than the equivalent of a stifled sneeze orgasm. Even if you’re out in the rain without an umbrella, you can take in the beauty of feeling the rain, or you can rush through it, trying to reach an awning more quickly, all while berating yourself for not purchasing and toting gear.
I know which I’d rather do.
I get questions from subscribers in my dm’s sometimes. I love that. I welcome that. In fact, I wonder if more of you would like to ask me questions? And whether you would like me to turn it into a monthly segment?
If you’d like my advice and wouldn’t mind me anonymizing your query in Happy Endings, send me a dm:
It’s a never-ending quest, hence the (d) — it happens, and it continues to happen (if you’re smart in a sexy way)