I had sex days after childbirth

And other postpartum intimacy lessons from a mother of two

I found completing the miracle of life with my partner unbelievably sexy.

“Oh my god, we did it.”

“You did it!”

And all I wanted to do was do it again.

Having a baby emerge from the same body that receives my husband, Joe, didn’t interfere with my desire. The postpartum period was one of the most love-inducing, intimate times of my life.

But every OB I met said no lovemaking for six weeks. As if sex were only penetration. As if intimacy couldn’t be a part of healing itself.

Marriage is an old institution, but our ideas of it don’t have to be. On Happy Endings, I like to take on the myths of marital sex and motherhood:

• That marriage kills intimacy (statistically, it doesn’t).

• That the Madonna-whore complex is a burden (it can be erotic).

• That babies inevitably create marital distance (often true, but it doesn’t have to be).

To confront that last myth, I’m sharing what I wish I’d been told about sex after babies:

Lying Mother with Child II, Paula Modersohn-Becker

1. YOU MAY FEEL WILDLY IN LOVE AFTER LABOR

My postpartum hormones make me hornier than I’d ever been. Days after giving birth, I was overcome with a primal longing.

Our midwives said I might have “big feelings” when my milk came in. But that didn’t quite capture the love flood. I was overcome with appreciation, awe, devotion, and desire to feel my partner around and within.

Whether it was my animal brain, wired to secure my protection, or my expression of love multiplied by hormones, I wish I had been warned about the trip.

But we still made the most of it. Fortunately, we were where we felt safest, so we could properly embrace our love — literally in a nesting doll of him wrapped around me, wrapped around our new baby.

2. YOU CAN BE INTIMATE AFTER BIRTH

We were told, “Don’t have sex for six weeks.” But sex isn’t exclusively penetration, so why is the advice assuming it is?

It can take six weeks or more for a cervix to return to pre-delivery dilation. Entering a vagina (with anything) before the cervix closes puts the womb wound at risk of infection. Cesarean births, perineal tears, and episiotomies can extend healing time. Some people’s physical healing is nothing compared to the emotional healing from a traumatic birth. But none of these factors were considered in the advice I was given.

I like sexual connection. It’s a major part of my love expression. My husband took incredible care of us, and it turned me on. I wanted to show my appreciation. So, we got creative.

I verbally expressed my devotion, with milk-hard boobs on display. My partner touched himself while I watched. He made a pillow-recliner for me where, without muscle use, he could use my mouth as a tender toy. I came from his touch and vibration over my underpants. That’s all 100% sex, with no risk.

3. THE TWO WEEKS AFTER BIRTH CAN IMPACT YEARS OF DESIRE

The physical and emotional side effects of not letting your body properly heal after the marathon upon marathons that is birth can and does impact health for decades.

Global cultures have known this, prescribed this, and prioritized this, but it was a revelation for my American programming.

I didn’t do this very well after our firstborn. I climbed stairs. I tidied up — it was almost involuntary. My body suffered the consequences.

The best thing you can do for your sex life is to let your body heal and do nothing for two weeks (or more).

For our second, our midwives prescribed the “5–5–5 rule” of five days in bed, five days near the bed, and five days around the home. It made a world of difference for my health and our sexual bounce back (the only postpartum bounce back I care about).

4. STRESS IS A BIOLOGICAL COCKBLOCK

When you’re stressed, your body slows down sexual functions — from desire, to the vaginal microbiome’s balance.

I learned this the hard way. In the parental stress window that the Surgeon General says is a public health crisis. Pushing myself when my body told me otherwise led to vaginal dysbiosis (an imbalance of bacteria which can result in yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis) that shut things down longer than if I’d just chilled.

As a team, my partner and I learned to minimize our stress together, which improved our sex life together.

We decided what was essential and what we were willing to live without. The dust could wait, but our laundry couldn’t. We shared our bed to avoid extraneous movement for nighttime feeds. Our social life cooled down, but we wouldn’t let our relationship do the same.

5. YOUR SEX LIFE DOESN’T DIE — IT TRANSFORMS

Parenting comes with change, but the constant is my partner.

We might not have morning quickies, and midday romps require scheduling stars to align, but our connection is deeper than ever.

Different doesn’t mean worse. We have just as much sex, and we agree, it’s hotter than ever; We have a whole new Jungian dynamic to play with.

My husband and I have often been asked by pregnant friends what to expect (sexually) when they’re expecting.

We’ve found that having a happy, healthy sex life postpartum requires the same communication, vulnerability, and connection (to self and partner) as before babies.

Whenever a pregnant friend asks me for advice, I suggest they start a conversation with their partner about their vision for their postpartum sex life. It’s hard to know how you’ll feel on the other side, but the chats will keep you close when a tiny wonder joins your family.

Joe’s advice is a little more punchy.

But we both agree that as parents, there are new impediments to intimacy, but there are also immense opportunities to expand our love.

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This was adapted from a post on the MakeLoveNotPorn blog. Check out the original for additional takeaways beneath each lesson.

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P.S. The brilliant Tolly Moseley of Submit Here interviewed me. If you want to know how my history as a Relationship Anarchist impacted how I love my children, you might want to check her post out.

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