I love this article so much! You articulate the power of love so well. I definitely acknowledge that in the often thankless tasks of loving and nurturing a child and their needs, mothers are often much better at than dads. I know my mom was definitely better at it than my dad. My mother-in-law, despite all of her imperfections, was better at it than her husband (my father-in-law) by a country mile. And my wife was better at it than I was (am). But all of the dads in my life (including me) were better at other things — especially the parts that involved pushing the children to stretch and grow and be prepared for life beyond the parental nest — to take chances, to get up again if you fall down and skin your knee, to try hitting that baseball or playing that sport again after a moment of failure. I think it is a natural and powerful dynamic that moms create the safe space — where a child feels loved and cherished and fully supported, while the dads are there to help developing young people to push beyond their comfort zones and to support them when things go sideways, as they often do when you try something new. I embraced that role as a father for my daughter, specifically encouraging her to be able to compete with and against boys (and later men) in sport, play, and later work. Now she is in a field that is dominated by men and is quite successful. She is also happily married and contemplating children of her own now.
Yes! First off, I love this about your and your daughter 🥹🥹🥹 What a good dad!!!
And for me, I noticed in my own quest for gender equality, I had lost some sight of the value of different strengths between sexes. With the load of tasks to be done as parents, a bit of divide-and-conquer is not only useful, it’s necessary for sanity. I had to come around and remember we all have our unique contribution! It takes a lot of zen to remember that just because you’re doing x task alone, that you’re not alone-alone. Now, of course, there’s a lot of couples with one partner who isn’t holding their own, but that wasn’t the case for me and I didn’t want public discourse to sully my appreciation of my love. I wrote a bit more about that here! https://www.happyendings.blog/p/alls-unfair-in-love
Definitely going to give that article a read next! Thank you! Early on in our marriage, my wife and I decided that one of us would stay home with any kids, and the other would be the primary earner. It turned out that i got the stable government job with the ability to earn overtime to make up the second income, and she didn’t like the profession she trained for (teaching), so when we had our daughter, we had determined she was staying home. Good thing, too, because she developed crippling post-partum depression and anxiety, and I would have had to return to work anyway.
Part of helping her to eventually come out of the depression was seeking treatment, but also load sharing — I have done MOST of the cleaning for most of our marriage. When I was working full time plus, that meant a bunch of stuff went undone. I focused on the critical things. Dishes, laundry…and left a lot of clutter to accumulate and get to when I could. That continues now that I am retired, as my wife deals with all sorts of physical issues as well as recurrent anxiety and sporadic bouts of depression — but since retirement and no kid living with us, I am much more current and our home is much closer to being ‘presentable’ and getting closer each week.
Yeah, there has been frustration at times, and resentment on occasion, but love and affection and a sense of duty overcomes those things. I wouldn’t change anything if would create changes from where we are at right now. I love my life, and more importantly, my daughter and my wife both love theirs. And that is more important than looks or longevity any day.
Abigail, this was a breath of fresh air to read! You've captured the nuance of labor/love so eloquently and precisely. Again, we are the same, ha! Thank you for always being so brave and so thoughtful in your writing. I always come away from your writing feel more self-assured and happy. 💕
Thank you thank you, Katrina! Isn’t it wild how I feel your experience in your work and that’s reciprocal? I love being human. So so appreciate the read and your sweetest reflections here ❤️
I'm terrified ( and excited) about having kids. Excited- for all the reasons you mentioned. And terrified because of sleep deprivation. I appreciate when mothers share their experiences (both sides) and the common consensus is that parenthood is worth it.
You’re thinking about the right things ❤️ I thought I’d hate the disrupted sleep but the body legit changes and it hardly phases me even still. The things we do for love ❤️
I love this article so much! You articulate the power of love so well. I definitely acknowledge that in the often thankless tasks of loving and nurturing a child and their needs, mothers are often much better at than dads. I know my mom was definitely better at it than my dad. My mother-in-law, despite all of her imperfections, was better at it than her husband (my father-in-law) by a country mile. And my wife was better at it than I was (am). But all of the dads in my life (including me) were better at other things — especially the parts that involved pushing the children to stretch and grow and be prepared for life beyond the parental nest — to take chances, to get up again if you fall down and skin your knee, to try hitting that baseball or playing that sport again after a moment of failure. I think it is a natural and powerful dynamic that moms create the safe space — where a child feels loved and cherished and fully supported, while the dads are there to help developing young people to push beyond their comfort zones and to support them when things go sideways, as they often do when you try something new. I embraced that role as a father for my daughter, specifically encouraging her to be able to compete with and against boys (and later men) in sport, play, and later work. Now she is in a field that is dominated by men and is quite successful. She is also happily married and contemplating children of her own now.
Yes! First off, I love this about your and your daughter 🥹🥹🥹 What a good dad!!!
And for me, I noticed in my own quest for gender equality, I had lost some sight of the value of different strengths between sexes. With the load of tasks to be done as parents, a bit of divide-and-conquer is not only useful, it’s necessary for sanity. I had to come around and remember we all have our unique contribution! It takes a lot of zen to remember that just because you’re doing x task alone, that you’re not alone-alone. Now, of course, there’s a lot of couples with one partner who isn’t holding their own, but that wasn’t the case for me and I didn’t want public discourse to sully my appreciation of my love. I wrote a bit more about that here! https://www.happyendings.blog/p/alls-unfair-in-love
Definitely going to give that article a read next! Thank you! Early on in our marriage, my wife and I decided that one of us would stay home with any kids, and the other would be the primary earner. It turned out that i got the stable government job with the ability to earn overtime to make up the second income, and she didn’t like the profession she trained for (teaching), so when we had our daughter, we had determined she was staying home. Good thing, too, because she developed crippling post-partum depression and anxiety, and I would have had to return to work anyway.
Part of helping her to eventually come out of the depression was seeking treatment, but also load sharing — I have done MOST of the cleaning for most of our marriage. When I was working full time plus, that meant a bunch of stuff went undone. I focused on the critical things. Dishes, laundry…and left a lot of clutter to accumulate and get to when I could. That continues now that I am retired, as my wife deals with all sorts of physical issues as well as recurrent anxiety and sporadic bouts of depression — but since retirement and no kid living with us, I am much more current and our home is much closer to being ‘presentable’ and getting closer each week.
Yeah, there has been frustration at times, and resentment on occasion, but love and affection and a sense of duty overcomes those things. I wouldn’t change anything if would create changes from where we are at right now. I love my life, and more importantly, my daughter and my wife both love theirs. And that is more important than looks or longevity any day.
Abigail, this was a breath of fresh air to read! You've captured the nuance of labor/love so eloquently and precisely. Again, we are the same, ha! Thank you for always being so brave and so thoughtful in your writing. I always come away from your writing feel more self-assured and happy. 💕
Thank you thank you, Katrina! Isn’t it wild how I feel your experience in your work and that’s reciprocal? I love being human. So so appreciate the read and your sweetest reflections here ❤️
🥹❤️ I love being a human!!!
Brilliant article!
I'm terrified ( and excited) about having kids. Excited- for all the reasons you mentioned. And terrified because of sleep deprivation. I appreciate when mothers share their experiences (both sides) and the common consensus is that parenthood is worth it.
You’re thinking about the right things ❤️ I thought I’d hate the disrupted sleep but the body legit changes and it hardly phases me even still. The things we do for love ❤️
A mother's body is endlessly fascinating ❤️ thanks for sharing
😭😭😭
This is the way
❤️ all for love!! ❤️