MY #1 SEX TIP

How to have sex that feels like Beethoven's Fifth

I am not a ‘tips’ person. But if pressed, I do have one sex tip that I’d give anyone, indiscriminately, no matter their aptitudes, no matter their proclivities.

My number one sex tip is meditation.

I know what this sounds like. But hear me out.

During our courtship, after one particularly satisfying shag, my husband Joe said some basic expletives of appreciation. Perhaps it was, “Fuck. That was good.”

And I said, “It was, wasn’t it.”

He said, “Yea,” as he stood up and pulled his white-piped red cotton briefs up without wiping his cock off. I saw dampness form on the fabric.

And me, the normal human female that I am, fished for more. I said, “What was it about it, for you, that was so good?”

And he said, “All vagina’s are pleasant, really, but compared to yours, they’re kind of one note. Having sex with you feels like…” And he paused. And I held my breath. And he said, “Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.”

It isn’t biological. I am sure you could study my vaginal tissue and see it’s just like every other human female. But I don’t think he made it up. I feel differently than I once did. Sex feels different than it once did. I can feel my vagina feeling differently.

The reason sex feels so good is years of meditation.

An inflexible Marilyn Monroe, guided by ‘The First Lady of Yoga,’ Indra Devi, at her Sunset Boulevard studio in 1946 (credit: Andrea Alves)

I have a metaphor. Imagine if you couldn’t see your feet, but you knew they were there, so you reached for them every day, stretching your tight hamstrings and calves, and you enjoyed that stretch sensation on its own, but one day, you not only feel the stretch but you reach your toes, and you feel them wiggle, and then suddenly, you can even see them. But sometimes you still think you made it all up, because people don’t really talk about seeing feet much. We’re too busy with our hands.

This happened to me with my insides.

It took me years of ‘doing nothing’ - sitting, closing my eyes, and thinking about not thinking. Sometimes listening to a guided voice talk to me about fantastical things like “send your awareness to your feet,” until one day as I did that, and my feet actually reacted. For years there was nothing. Then one day, something. Awareness took practice. I had thought the practice was the point – that we would all be more mindful if we could just imagine sending awareness somewhere – but awareness can actually be there.

Marilyn got there in 1956, at the latest (credit: Dave Cicero)

When your presence goes to your feet, to your legs, to your hip bones, your pelvic bone, your reproductive organs… and as quickly as if by sight, that body part tingles, fills with something other than simply blood and guts, that presence can be electric.

And when those body parts mingle with someone else’s and you can, as if imagining nothing, consider pulling their cock into you, through you, longing for their semen to spill out, it can. It does.

If you meditate, sex — alone or with another — can transform from a monotonous, single note hum, into a full orchestral rendition.

And meditation itself, like sex, is not a singular act. If you have one idea of meditation, it’s as claustrophobic as considering sex to only be penis-in-vagina. Yes, some days I was the cliched crossed-leg Zen Buddhist wannabe, eye closed and fingers posed for an hour. But most days my meditations are just a few deep breaths — deep deep, like my belly-puffs-out-to-the-point-my-skin-stretches deep.

This isn’t something I teach. And it isn’t something I’d even suggest finding a teacher for. (I’m not a tips person.) Being with yourself is as intuitive as fucking. Start as you started masturbating — alone, quickly, by feeling yourself.

With time, you will become someone else. Someone with awareness.

Or as my super unspiritual, non-woo husband Joe once said during that same summer of courtship, you’ll have “insane energy.”

But really I’m just human. Just like you. We can all do this. No matter proclivity.

And when you do, I promise that one day, maybe years from now, when you want it to, your body will feel like more than blood and guts. It will feel electric. And that electricity, when shared with another person, creates symphonies.

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