Everything changed for me when I had a baby at home. It's such a claiming experience--I can't help but see it as a point of resistance to the machine that's hemming us all in so tight. My husband works this hard, too. I blame him sometimes, even though all his efforts are for us. Still... there's so much grief in watching the one you love get squeezed by the patriarchy and what it demands of men. I worry about our sons and what will be expected/ required of them, too. I felt like an animal, delivering our baby into his hands. That triumphant wail: No.
I think about this so much. How I hope the boys don't learn the same expectations and demands Joe learned from his parents. The first thing Joe's mom said when she found out we were pregnant was, "I hope you don't lose your job." He was bound to have this reaction. My eldest right now says he plans to never work.. So, hah, we'll see where life takes him!
I was deeply moved by your reflection on your feelings and your life. Part of its impact comes from your wonderful way of expressing yourself. Yet, your writing also reveals how you observe your life—how you watch it unfold—and, to me, your perspective feels so genuine, so thoughtful and empathetic.
Beyond that, there’s something even more special: it’s simply the way you are.
I wish you all the best and a truly wonderful life.
Dear Abigail! You write you do post on MakeLoveNotPorn. How do I find you there? Im am becoming interested in your life and how you manage challenges …
Joe and I have been filming sex, but we’ve still not uploaded any of them anywhere! We may one day, and I’ll be sure to share about it if so. At MakeLoveNotPorn, I work on the team leading marketing. It’s a fun company to work for! I can recommend my favorites there if you want :)
Thank you for sharing your harrowing history. I'm glad that you found each other again but it was heart breaking to read none the less. I think it's important to share the not so pretty stories as well and for that I thank you very much. Wish you the best!
Thanks, Serge! There are too many harrowing stories that end in divorce, and I thought this one might counter that. The tough doesn’t always end in separation. I so appreciate you reading and commenting ❤️
"the part that wanted to be a great partner, have a career, express myself creatively, and feel, somehow, independent while no longer alone." - ok man, get out of my brain <3
Thanks for this. It has been a source of camaraderie this morning. We have been through our share of crises economic, medical, and professional. I get mono focused and I drift off. She notices instantly; it’s how her attachment issues wire her. Surprising to us is the vast power of small dates and their connective power. Treading the ethicist together. Going for a nature walk together. Shared errands. Making such things silly, fun, and connective is for all of us, not just kids or the newly in love.
I’m so with you - those little things are (and were) the glue for us ❤️ The incredible, explorative, connecting sex and chat are the growth agents, but those mundane togethernesses are even more important, in my opinion. We walk to drop our boys off at school together every day. I could do a million other things during that hour, but nothing is more important than that walk home alone with my love.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting with such a thoughtful response. I feel the camaraderie right back!
Rachel, thank you thank you ❤️ Joe sees problems in aggregate, and I laser eye in on them individually. He sees them like a wave to move with and I want to surgically remove them. We can get frustrated with each other’s approaches, but with time I’ve found to appreciate these differences.
Yes. Sounds so familiar which is why that line hit so hard. Sometimes I don’t want to express myself in such specific, direct ways but it’s the only way Jon can hear me, and more so, comfort me. So, we are always adjusting… love is so hard but so worth it.
I think this is lovely, Abigail. Thanks for sharing. Although I disagree with the concept of “independence,” in general, I know exactly what you mean when you mention trying to figure out how to be both partnered and independent. This is a big area of work for me, as well! Even post divorce and all these decades of life behind me!
Well, with the caveat that I'm still working out how I feel about the idea of independence, and the nuance of it, and the linguistics of it, it just feels to me that "independence" is, by definition, a myth. Interdependence feels like a much more apt word--if we use public utilities or transportation or buy food from a network of suppliers or participate in public schooling or or or - then it seems to me none of us is actually, truly "independent." I, for one, am wholly dependent on a myriad of networks, systems, and providers in order to go about just the bare minimum of my day. I think it's a sort of white-informed, bootstraps-ethos informed idea that says that "independence" is the pinnacle of success, when, really, all those white people claiming "independence" (pick any history era and this holds, I think) just conveniently forgot about the myriad of folks supporting their work. (Also: see any white, male author since forever ago.) It's harder, for me, to figure out how to talk about agency (this is especially apt in child-rearing)--the idea of honoring and using one's innate capabilities--without needing to "borrow" at least some aspects of independence. I was really big on my kids "doing for themselves" as early as possible - very Montessori - knives and glass drinking vessels and dressing themselves and choosing their own clothes, etc. - and Maria Montessori herself uses the word "independence" frequently in her writings. I have so much more to say about this - implications for anti-vax positions, what independence means from a feminist perspective, what we are really trying to say when we talk about independence (again, is agency a better word?) within a partnership or marriage, etc. But I'll stop there because it already feels like too long of a response!
Yes, I’m so on board with this. I could never put “independence” above any other sort of style of being because I, too, feel that interdependence and community are the best of life. And yet without my own… yea, is it agency?… I feel myself drift into more dependence than I ought, and then I feel angst about that disconnection from myself. Anyway! It’s a big thought, I agree, and would love to read what you have to say about it!
Right! And this even opens up more avenues for exploration - because why does dependence automatically cause a disconnection from self? I mean, certainly this happens to me, too! "Oh, I shouldn't get too close to that person because then I'll lose my me time, or my writing time, or my identity as a single person." But I am starting to wonder (again, spitballing) if the more we stay in tune with ourselves and our own needs / desires - then the more we can tolerate various states of dependency? What if it's not that being dependent makes us disconnect from self, but rather that disconnecting from self makes us judge this so-called dependency? I don't know for sure - Thank you for being my thought partner here!
Yes, I think I’m ready to put all my chips in this idea - it’s the shame of being dependent, not the dependency in general. I’m so with you! And I love thought-partnering too :)
Aw, Peter, thank you so much for saying so. It was one of those posts I put off for ages, but now I'm glad I shared it just for your reaction. I hope all is well ❤️Thanks for reading ❤️
Beautifully written and hits home in so many ways. As always, Abigail, thank you for sharing your reflections, especially these deeply personal moments, inviting us in, and allowing us your moments as a catalyst for us to reflect upon our own moments our own lives.
It makes sense that that would be difficult for people. We are such love loving creatures.
But learning to be alone is one of the best lessons I had in my young adult life. It is a muscle, though, and I lost it a bit in this time of life.
I’m so glad to not feel this way still. To have the companionship I have. But I am also glad I’ve regained my awareness of how to be alone. Because I disagree, I don’t think aloneness is the worst lot in life.
I'm glad you found your way back from this. It doesn't always happen 🫤
Thank you, I'm glad too!
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
I'm so glad you thought so, Jarrick. Thank you for reading and saying so ❤️
Everything changed for me when I had a baby at home. It's such a claiming experience--I can't help but see it as a point of resistance to the machine that's hemming us all in so tight. My husband works this hard, too. I blame him sometimes, even though all his efforts are for us. Still... there's so much grief in watching the one you love get squeezed by the patriarchy and what it demands of men. I worry about our sons and what will be expected/ required of them, too. I felt like an animal, delivering our baby into his hands. That triumphant wail: No.
I think about this so much. How I hope the boys don't learn the same expectations and demands Joe learned from his parents. The first thing Joe's mom said when she found out we were pregnant was, "I hope you don't lose your job." He was bound to have this reaction. My eldest right now says he plans to never work.. So, hah, we'll see where life takes him!
Dear Abigail,
I was deeply moved by your reflection on your feelings and your life. Part of its impact comes from your wonderful way of expressing yourself. Yet, your writing also reveals how you observe your life—how you watch it unfold—and, to me, your perspective feels so genuine, so thoughtful and empathetic.
Beyond that, there’s something even more special: it’s simply the way you are.
I wish you all the best and a truly wonderful life.
Gosh, Aragorn, that’s such a kind and lovely message to wake up to today. Thank you so so much. 🥺❤️❤️❤️❤️ I wish the same for you!
Enjoy your X-mas time, Abigail
You as well!! ❤️
Dear Abigail! You write you do post on MakeLoveNotPorn. How do I find you there? Im am becoming interested in your life and how you manage challenges …
Joe and I have been filming sex, but we’ve still not uploaded any of them anywhere! We may one day, and I’ll be sure to share about it if so. At MakeLoveNotPorn, I work on the team leading marketing. It’s a fun company to work for! I can recommend my favorites there if you want :)
''I can still see his face, sitting in the dark, illuminated by blue light. '' Oh How I can relate.
Thank you for sharing this
Aww Elina, I’m glad we can connect over the care for workaholic partners. Thank you for reading ❤️
Thank you for sharing your harrowing history. I'm glad that you found each other again but it was heart breaking to read none the less. I think it's important to share the not so pretty stories as well and for that I thank you very much. Wish you the best!
Thanks, Serge! There are too many harrowing stories that end in divorce, and I thought this one might counter that. The tough doesn’t always end in separation. I so appreciate you reading and commenting ❤️
"the part that wanted to be a great partner, have a career, express myself creatively, and feel, somehow, independent while no longer alone." - ok man, get out of my brain <3
Hahaha the universal experience, eh?! I am glad it connects xxx
Thanks for this. It has been a source of camaraderie this morning. We have been through our share of crises economic, medical, and professional. I get mono focused and I drift off. She notices instantly; it’s how her attachment issues wire her. Surprising to us is the vast power of small dates and their connective power. Treading the ethicist together. Going for a nature walk together. Shared errands. Making such things silly, fun, and connective is for all of us, not just kids or the newly in love.
I’m so with you - those little things are (and were) the glue for us ❤️ The incredible, explorative, connecting sex and chat are the growth agents, but those mundane togethernesses are even more important, in my opinion. We walk to drop our boys off at school together every day. I could do a million other things during that hour, but nothing is more important than that walk home alone with my love.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting with such a thoughtful response. I feel the camaraderie right back!
“I wanted to know we had a plan for the discomfort.” —- woof. This line. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your stunning words.
Rachel, thank you thank you ❤️ Joe sees problems in aggregate, and I laser eye in on them individually. He sees them like a wave to move with and I want to surgically remove them. We can get frustrated with each other’s approaches, but with time I’ve found to appreciate these differences.
Yes. Sounds so familiar which is why that line hit so hard. Sometimes I don’t want to express myself in such specific, direct ways but it’s the only way Jon can hear me, and more so, comfort me. So, we are always adjusting… love is so hard but so worth it.
So so feel you and agree ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Abigail, I also liked this post very much. It’s such a vivid description of your situation in hard times. Thank you.
Thomas, thank you so so much. I'm really glad it came through this way ❤️❤️❤️ I so appreciate your comment.
I think this is lovely, Abigail. Thanks for sharing. Although I disagree with the concept of “independence,” in general, I know exactly what you mean when you mention trying to figure out how to be both partnered and independent. This is a big area of work for me, as well! Even post divorce and all these decades of life behind me!
❤️❤️❤️ Thanks so much for saying so, Francesca. I really want to hear more about your idea of independence and your disagreement with the concept!
Well, with the caveat that I'm still working out how I feel about the idea of independence, and the nuance of it, and the linguistics of it, it just feels to me that "independence" is, by definition, a myth. Interdependence feels like a much more apt word--if we use public utilities or transportation or buy food from a network of suppliers or participate in public schooling or or or - then it seems to me none of us is actually, truly "independent." I, for one, am wholly dependent on a myriad of networks, systems, and providers in order to go about just the bare minimum of my day. I think it's a sort of white-informed, bootstraps-ethos informed idea that says that "independence" is the pinnacle of success, when, really, all those white people claiming "independence" (pick any history era and this holds, I think) just conveniently forgot about the myriad of folks supporting their work. (Also: see any white, male author since forever ago.) It's harder, for me, to figure out how to talk about agency (this is especially apt in child-rearing)--the idea of honoring and using one's innate capabilities--without needing to "borrow" at least some aspects of independence. I was really big on my kids "doing for themselves" as early as possible - very Montessori - knives and glass drinking vessels and dressing themselves and choosing their own clothes, etc. - and Maria Montessori herself uses the word "independence" frequently in her writings. I have so much more to say about this - implications for anti-vax positions, what independence means from a feminist perspective, what we are really trying to say when we talk about independence (again, is agency a better word?) within a partnership or marriage, etc. But I'll stop there because it already feels like too long of a response!
Yes, I’m so on board with this. I could never put “independence” above any other sort of style of being because I, too, feel that interdependence and community are the best of life. And yet without my own… yea, is it agency?… I feel myself drift into more dependence than I ought, and then I feel angst about that disconnection from myself. Anyway! It’s a big thought, I agree, and would love to read what you have to say about it!
Right! And this even opens up more avenues for exploration - because why does dependence automatically cause a disconnection from self? I mean, certainly this happens to me, too! "Oh, I shouldn't get too close to that person because then I'll lose my me time, or my writing time, or my identity as a single person." But I am starting to wonder (again, spitballing) if the more we stay in tune with ourselves and our own needs / desires - then the more we can tolerate various states of dependency? What if it's not that being dependent makes us disconnect from self, but rather that disconnecting from self makes us judge this so-called dependency? I don't know for sure - Thank you for being my thought partner here!
Yes, I think I’m ready to put all my chips in this idea - it’s the shame of being dependent, not the dependency in general. I’m so with you! And I love thought-partnering too :)
Thank you for sharing, I think its really important to share the things it takes to get through these miseries. Brought a tear to my eye this did
Aw, Peter, thank you so much for saying so. It was one of those posts I put off for ages, but now I'm glad I shared it just for your reaction. I hope all is well ❤️Thanks for reading ❤️
Beautifully written and hits home in so many ways. As always, Abigail, thank you for sharing your reflections, especially these deeply personal moments, inviting us in, and allowing us your moments as a catalyst for us to reflect upon our own moments our own lives.
It makes sense that that would be difficult for people. We are such love loving creatures.
But learning to be alone is one of the best lessons I had in my young adult life. It is a muscle, though, and I lost it a bit in this time of life.
I’m so glad to not feel this way still. To have the companionship I have. But I am also glad I’ve regained my awareness of how to be alone. Because I disagree, I don’t think aloneness is the worst lot in life.
Word. Power Point, even.