There’s something quietly radical in what you’ve written, like you’ve taken a phrase that’s been sitting in the corner wearing a hair shirt and coaxed it into something warmer, more human-shaped.
I think you’re right to tug at the wiring of “maintenance sex.” The term always feels like it’s been filed under obligation, next to boiler servicing and replying to emails you don’t want to send. But what you’re describing reframes maintenance as a kind of tending, not a tax. Less “I owe this,” more “I’m keeping something alive, including myself.”
And that shift matters. Because when sex becomes something done outward, as a gesture of peacekeeping or performance, it can hollow out the very thing it’s meant to sustain. But when it loops back inward, when it includes the self as a recipient rather than just a provider, it regains texture. Appetite returns. Curiosity sneaks back in through the side door.
I also really appreciate how you let contradiction sit in the room without trying to tidy it away. The truth that caring for others can blur into neglecting yourself. That something can be routine and still be intimate. That need doesn’t always arrive dressed as desire, but that doesn’t make it less real or less worthy of attention.
The “apple a day” idea lingers in a good way. Not prescriptive, not clinical, just a reminder that nourishment isn’t always glamorous, but it is essential. And sometimes, especially when we feel least well, the things that look like chores are actually signals. Not of duty, but of depletion.
As for me, I think I’d say this: anything that turns you away from yourself over time starts to cost more than it gives, even if it began as care. So your instinct to reclaim maintenance as something reciprocal, something that includes your own aliveness, feels not just healthy but necessary.
Your last question hangs there in a way I like. Not demanding an answer, just opening a door. And maybe that’s the point. Not to resolve it neatly, but to keep asking: who is this for, really? And am I in the room when it happens?
Definitely agree with this. And sometimes, ‘maintenance sex’ is taking care of oneself when you know that your partner is unable to partake in the deed — and to do so in ways that don’t make it feel like you are shaming them or blaming them for your need to ‘take care of business’.
Same here. My partner has had some issues that have impacted her ability and her desire for that kind of intimacy for a while now. So, yeah, solo it is.
Before my devorce were 7 years without intimacy. 7 years of solo care for myself, which is close to no care for myself. The past 4 years was intimate with one night stands, a short thing i thought was a relationship (he thought otherwise) and some pleasurable moments with Friends (with Benefits). The past 4 years, were about care for me, and care for my playing partners. I am a lucky woman I had the strength and opportunity to choose... Me!
Abigail - not to overlook the importance of your words and their message, but let's shout out the fantastic art AND music you so reliably share. I for one could (and frequently do!) listen to this entire Marvin Gaye / Tammi Terrell album. Honestly, for anyone reading this note, here's your PSA for the day - listen to even ONE SONG on this album, and I promise you, you'll start to shake a little, you'll start to feel the beat a little, you'll start to drop out of your thoughts and into your body. Which is of course what Abigail is suggesting we do - get out of our thoughts, out of our worries and fears and insecurities and resentments - and simply experience the world through our senses. xoxo
Ahhh Francesca - thank you!!! This song pairing with this piece made me smile - it's that spirit of infusing a party into everything that one, or two, can do 😘 THANK YOU again, for the read and the sweetness.. xoxoxo!
NOPE, I DOUBT IT HIGHLY, BARS ARE A JOKE, EVER SINCE COVID, ONLINE, A GUY SENDS 400 LETTERS, AND THEY HAVE TO BE 5 PAGES OR MORE, OR WOMEN REFUSE TO READEM, LOL THEN MIGHT GET 1 RESPONSE, AND THAT IS USUALLY A PROFESSIONAL GIRLFRIEEND SEEKING SCAM MONEY OR STRAIGHT PAY TO PLAY, A GIRL POST ONE AD IN A BIKIN, SHE GETS 4000 REQUESTS, IT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS, WOMEN HAVE THE CHOICE, AND IN THE PAST 10 YEARSW, THEY HAVE NOT CHOSEN ME, ANDF I HAVE ASKED PERHAPS 50 WOMEN IN PERSON TO A COFFEE OR DRINK DATE, TO CHAT, AND THOUSANDS ON LINE, WITH NON LUCK, OR RATHER NO LUCK SINCE THAT EVIL WITCH IVANLKA TRUMP FORCED CRAIGSLIST TO STOP DOING PERSONALS, HER MOTTO IS IF A MAN WANT TO DATE, HE HAS TO SMALL FORTUNE TO A DATING CMPANY, LOL I USED TO MEET 5-20 WOMEN PER MONTH BACK WHEN CRAIGSLIST HAD THE DATINFG SITE, BUT NOW?? I HAVE PAID FOR 3 SEPERAT SITES, THEY ALL HAVE HUNDRTEDS OF PROSPECTIVE WOMEN IN MY AREA, YUP, UNTIL I JOIN, THEN YOU FIND OUT THEY ARE ALL BOTS DESIGNED TO ENTICE YOU TO APY 150.00 PER MONTH AND 3.00 PER MESSAGE 1.00 PER LIKE, LOL ETC ETC, IT IS A ALL A SCAM, I WILL WAIT PATIENTLY TILL THEY PERFECT THE ROBOTS AND THE AI, THEN I WILL BUILD A GIRLFRIEND, LOL MAYBE SHE WILL LOVE ME AND NOT CHEAT ON ME WITH ANOTHER ROBOT?? OR LEAVE AFTER A FEW YEARS AND DEMAND HALF OF EVERYTHING I OWN>??? LOL YUP, JADED IS WHAT I AM, THAT IS BECAUSE NOW IT IS CREEPY TO EVEN SUGGEST TO A WOMAN SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND TO ASK HER ON A DATE, UNLESS SHE LIKES YOU OR IS TURNED ON BY YOU THEN IT IS CUTE AND SEXY AND PERSISTANT, LIKE THOSE OLD STORIES OUR PARENTS AND GRAND PARENTS TOLD, II SAID NO A THOUSAND TIMES, WELL G-MA, HOW DID YOU END UP?? WELL I GAVE IN AND WENT ON A DATE, THEN VOILA MARRIED 50 YEARS HAPPILY, NOWA DAYS A MAN THQT DOES NOT GIVE UP ON HIS LOVE IS A STALKER AND CREEPYY...UNLESS OF COURSE IT IS WELCOMED..BUT HOW TO TELL?? NOPE WOMEN WILL NOT TELL YOU, YOU HAVE TO READ HER SIGNS, AND EVERY WOMAN HAS DIFFERENT SIGNS, SO GOOD LUCK, THEN A VIDEO GETSW MADE OF HOW CREEPY YOU ARE, AND A STALKER ETC...YUP, I GIVE UP, THERE ARE NO MORE WOMEN OUT THERE THAT WELCOME A MAN ASKING THEN TO COFFEE OR A DRINK, TRIED, BEEN SHOT DOWN, AND REJECTION, ESPECIALLY REJECTION WITH RIDICULWE IS ENOUGH TO WANT TO MAKE YOU END YOURSELF...LOL (DONT WORRY NOT SUICIDAL)..I STILL HOPE THAT MAYBE I WILL MEET MY SOUL MATE, SOMEONE THAT WILL HELP ME TAKE WHAT MEAGER INHERITANCES I HAVE, AND TRY AND REBUILD MY LOST EMPIRE AGAIN....(SIGH) SO SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE GAMES AND DRAMA THOUGH...
WELL,...SINCE IT HAS BEEN 2 YRS SINCE I LAST HAD SEX, AND EXCEPT FOR 2 TIMES WITH THIS GIRL, BEFORE THAT WAS 5 YRS BEFORE ANY, MAINAINENECE SEX DOES NOT LOOK BAD, ANY SEX SOUNDS GOOD ABOUT NOW, BUT I FEAR I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX EVER AGAIN, I AM 60, WOMEN DO NOT WANT A 60 YR OLD GUY...OH YEH, AND I AM A NICE GUY, THEY ALL HATE AND DESPISE THAT, LOL SO UNLESS I LEARN TO TREAT WOMEN LIKE SHITE, AND HURT THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY, I CANNOT FIND A GIRLFRIEND, LOL OH WELL ...PRAYING FOR A QUICK DEATH....
John, with all kindness in my heart and voice - that's BS! Women love a nice guy. Women absolutely like to have sex with guys over 60. I can completely sympathize with how your last many years might make someone pessimistic, and I feel for you ❤️ But the pessimism is more of a turn off than kindness to this American woman 😘 I'd love to challenge you to love and care for yourself and have more openness (and kindness) to your presumptions of women, and with optimism in your soul, maybe something sexy will find you
There’s something quietly radical in what you’ve written, like you’ve taken a phrase that’s been sitting in the corner wearing a hair shirt and coaxed it into something warmer, more human-shaped.
I think you’re right to tug at the wiring of “maintenance sex.” The term always feels like it’s been filed under obligation, next to boiler servicing and replying to emails you don’t want to send. But what you’re describing reframes maintenance as a kind of tending, not a tax. Less “I owe this,” more “I’m keeping something alive, including myself.”
And that shift matters. Because when sex becomes something done outward, as a gesture of peacekeeping or performance, it can hollow out the very thing it’s meant to sustain. But when it loops back inward, when it includes the self as a recipient rather than just a provider, it regains texture. Appetite returns. Curiosity sneaks back in through the side door.
I also really appreciate how you let contradiction sit in the room without trying to tidy it away. The truth that caring for others can blur into neglecting yourself. That something can be routine and still be intimate. That need doesn’t always arrive dressed as desire, but that doesn’t make it less real or less worthy of attention.
The “apple a day” idea lingers in a good way. Not prescriptive, not clinical, just a reminder that nourishment isn’t always glamorous, but it is essential. And sometimes, especially when we feel least well, the things that look like chores are actually signals. Not of duty, but of depletion.
As for me, I think I’d say this: anything that turns you away from yourself over time starts to cost more than it gives, even if it began as care. So your instinct to reclaim maintenance as something reciprocal, something that includes your own aliveness, feels not just healthy but necessary.
Your last question hangs there in a way I like. Not demanding an answer, just opening a door. And maybe that’s the point. Not to resolve it neatly, but to keep asking: who is this for, really? And am I in the room when it happens?
Hi hi! Thank you so much for such a thorough read and analysis! I'm grateful for the time and attention ❤️
You’re so welcome, thank you for sharing your insightful and inspiring work with us x
Very well written and very well said!
Thank you ☺️
You’re welcome!
💕💕💕
Definitely agree with this. And sometimes, ‘maintenance sex’ is taking care of oneself when you know that your partner is unable to partake in the deed — and to do so in ways that don’t make it feel like you are shaming them or blaming them for your need to ‘take care of business’.
Totally, yes! Some solo maintenance is my medicine :)
Same here. My partner has had some issues that have impacted her ability and her desire for that kind of intimacy for a while now. So, yeah, solo it is.
I'm sorry for your partner and yourself! I hope your solo time is super fulfilling, though. Some of my fav orgasms were alone!
Thank you so much! Yeah, luckily I have a very good imagination, it’s one of my super powers. Life is good!
Before my devorce were 7 years without intimacy. 7 years of solo care for myself, which is close to no care for myself. The past 4 years was intimate with one night stands, a short thing i thought was a relationship (he thought otherwise) and some pleasurable moments with Friends (with Benefits). The past 4 years, were about care for me, and care for my playing partners. I am a lucky woman I had the strength and opportunity to choose... Me!
I love this, Jolanda - you have the exact right foundation ❤️❤️❤️ Too many women forget to do just this!
Very good piece Abby! Thank you as always for writing and sharing with us! Love the art as well!
Isn't the art so great?! I love this guy... And glad you appreciate it too :) And as always, THANK YOU for reading 😘😘😘😘😘
Yes, I love his women and how he paints their backsides and legs and bellies. Amazing! Thanks for the introduction to his work!
Always so happy to be here! Hope you might catch one of mine to read one day too! :) 😘
Abigail - not to overlook the importance of your words and their message, but let's shout out the fantastic art AND music you so reliably share. I for one could (and frequently do!) listen to this entire Marvin Gaye / Tammi Terrell album. Honestly, for anyone reading this note, here's your PSA for the day - listen to even ONE SONG on this album, and I promise you, you'll start to shake a little, you'll start to feel the beat a little, you'll start to drop out of your thoughts and into your body. Which is of course what Abigail is suggesting we do - get out of our thoughts, out of our worries and fears and insecurities and resentments - and simply experience the world through our senses. xoxo
Ahhh Francesca - thank you!!! This song pairing with this piece made me smile - it's that spirit of infusing a party into everything that one, or two, can do 😘 THANK YOU again, for the read and the sweetness.. xoxoxo!
NOPE, I DOUBT IT HIGHLY, BARS ARE A JOKE, EVER SINCE COVID, ONLINE, A GUY SENDS 400 LETTERS, AND THEY HAVE TO BE 5 PAGES OR MORE, OR WOMEN REFUSE TO READEM, LOL THEN MIGHT GET 1 RESPONSE, AND THAT IS USUALLY A PROFESSIONAL GIRLFRIEEND SEEKING SCAM MONEY OR STRAIGHT PAY TO PLAY, A GIRL POST ONE AD IN A BIKIN, SHE GETS 4000 REQUESTS, IT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS, WOMEN HAVE THE CHOICE, AND IN THE PAST 10 YEARSW, THEY HAVE NOT CHOSEN ME, ANDF I HAVE ASKED PERHAPS 50 WOMEN IN PERSON TO A COFFEE OR DRINK DATE, TO CHAT, AND THOUSANDS ON LINE, WITH NON LUCK, OR RATHER NO LUCK SINCE THAT EVIL WITCH IVANLKA TRUMP FORCED CRAIGSLIST TO STOP DOING PERSONALS, HER MOTTO IS IF A MAN WANT TO DATE, HE HAS TO SMALL FORTUNE TO A DATING CMPANY, LOL I USED TO MEET 5-20 WOMEN PER MONTH BACK WHEN CRAIGSLIST HAD THE DATINFG SITE, BUT NOW?? I HAVE PAID FOR 3 SEPERAT SITES, THEY ALL HAVE HUNDRTEDS OF PROSPECTIVE WOMEN IN MY AREA, YUP, UNTIL I JOIN, THEN YOU FIND OUT THEY ARE ALL BOTS DESIGNED TO ENTICE YOU TO APY 150.00 PER MONTH AND 3.00 PER MESSAGE 1.00 PER LIKE, LOL ETC ETC, IT IS A ALL A SCAM, I WILL WAIT PATIENTLY TILL THEY PERFECT THE ROBOTS AND THE AI, THEN I WILL BUILD A GIRLFRIEND, LOL MAYBE SHE WILL LOVE ME AND NOT CHEAT ON ME WITH ANOTHER ROBOT?? OR LEAVE AFTER A FEW YEARS AND DEMAND HALF OF EVERYTHING I OWN>??? LOL YUP, JADED IS WHAT I AM, THAT IS BECAUSE NOW IT IS CREEPY TO EVEN SUGGEST TO A WOMAN SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND TO ASK HER ON A DATE, UNLESS SHE LIKES YOU OR IS TURNED ON BY YOU THEN IT IS CUTE AND SEXY AND PERSISTANT, LIKE THOSE OLD STORIES OUR PARENTS AND GRAND PARENTS TOLD, II SAID NO A THOUSAND TIMES, WELL G-MA, HOW DID YOU END UP?? WELL I GAVE IN AND WENT ON A DATE, THEN VOILA MARRIED 50 YEARS HAPPILY, NOWA DAYS A MAN THQT DOES NOT GIVE UP ON HIS LOVE IS A STALKER AND CREEPYY...UNLESS OF COURSE IT IS WELCOMED..BUT HOW TO TELL?? NOPE WOMEN WILL NOT TELL YOU, YOU HAVE TO READ HER SIGNS, AND EVERY WOMAN HAS DIFFERENT SIGNS, SO GOOD LUCK, THEN A VIDEO GETSW MADE OF HOW CREEPY YOU ARE, AND A STALKER ETC...YUP, I GIVE UP, THERE ARE NO MORE WOMEN OUT THERE THAT WELCOME A MAN ASKING THEN TO COFFEE OR A DRINK, TRIED, BEEN SHOT DOWN, AND REJECTION, ESPECIALLY REJECTION WITH RIDICULWE IS ENOUGH TO WANT TO MAKE YOU END YOURSELF...LOL (DONT WORRY NOT SUICIDAL)..I STILL HOPE THAT MAYBE I WILL MEET MY SOUL MATE, SOMEONE THAT WILL HELP ME TAKE WHAT MEAGER INHERITANCES I HAVE, AND TRY AND REBUILD MY LOST EMPIRE AGAIN....(SIGH) SO SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE GAMES AND DRAMA THOUGH...
WELL,...SINCE IT HAS BEEN 2 YRS SINCE I LAST HAD SEX, AND EXCEPT FOR 2 TIMES WITH THIS GIRL, BEFORE THAT WAS 5 YRS BEFORE ANY, MAINAINENECE SEX DOES NOT LOOK BAD, ANY SEX SOUNDS GOOD ABOUT NOW, BUT I FEAR I WILL NEVER HAVE SEX EVER AGAIN, I AM 60, WOMEN DO NOT WANT A 60 YR OLD GUY...OH YEH, AND I AM A NICE GUY, THEY ALL HATE AND DESPISE THAT, LOL SO UNLESS I LEARN TO TREAT WOMEN LIKE SHITE, AND HURT THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY, I CANNOT FIND A GIRLFRIEND, LOL OH WELL ...PRAYING FOR A QUICK DEATH....
John, with all kindness in my heart and voice - that's BS! Women love a nice guy. Women absolutely like to have sex with guys over 60. I can completely sympathize with how your last many years might make someone pessimistic, and I feel for you ❤️ But the pessimism is more of a turn off than kindness to this American woman 😘 I'd love to challenge you to love and care for yourself and have more openness (and kindness) to your presumptions of women, and with optimism in your soul, maybe something sexy will find you