I write about sex. I work with sex. I enjoy sex. But I have a problem with maintenance sex.
It’s not that I think it’s bad. It’s that the phrase’s implication is backwards.
Some people call it duty sex. It’s the concept of getting intimate out of obligation, not innate desire. It’s a byproduct of (heterosexual) long-term relationships. One partner, with a not-all-bad, natural impulse to peace-keep (consider the contentment of their partner and the stability of their domain), initiates sex. But in their peace-keeping perspective, they see sex as an offering, a gift, or a duty to something external to themselves.
My problem with ‘maintenance sex’ is its implication of that external duty – an outward interest, instead of self-interest – while simultaneously implying the discontent of prioritizing others before yourself.
I get it. I’ve been there (I’ll get to that). But isn’t it ironic that in our desire to care for others, even the language we’ve crafted to complain about that impulse forgets about ourselves?
It’s not an all bad impulse. It’s good to care for others. It’s just also good to care for ourselves.
All humans benefit from regular sex. And with sexual health, as with mental health, and even airline oxygen masks, it is far harder to take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves first.
I don’t have a problem with seeing sex as a function to maintain. In fact, I do… but for myself.
Sex is a task, like grocery shopping or dish washing, that must happen for every individual human who wants to thrive, not just get by on junk. Grocery shopping, dishwashing, and sex can sure be seen as a slog. A chore. A burden. Something to maintain for others. Or it can be ridiculously goofy, absurdly romantic, mutually, excessively self-serving, or medicinal (in a hot way). However sex is served, it’s an integral ingredient of a joyful, healthy life.
Ignoring the personal potential in the routine, uneconomic endeavors of life isn’t in anyone's self-interest.
Maintenance isn’t a burden. It’s care. It’s opportunity. It’s a gesture of appreciation. For the objects you wash and mend. For the self you tend.
Maintenance sex is an apple a day.
And when that’s forgotten, and one sees maintenance as a burden — something for others — well, that’s when I knew I was not well. Which was, coincidentally, when I needed that maintenance more than ever.
How about you?
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Welcome (back) to my relationship peep show. I'm Abigail, sextech leader, born-again monogamist, love lover, and mother of two. Thank you for being here.
Definitely agree with this. And sometimes, ‘maintenance sex’ is taking care of oneself when you know that your partner is unable to partake in the deed — and to do so in ways that don’t make it feel like you are shaming them or blaming them for your need to ‘take care of business’.
Before my devorce were 7 years without intimacy. 7 years of solo care for myself, which is close to no care for myself. The past 4 years was intimate with one night stands, a short thing i thought was a relationship (he thought otherwise) and some pleasurable moments with Friends (with Benefits). The past 4 years, were about care for me, and care for my playing partners. I am a lucky woman I had the strength and opportunity to choose... Me!