"We're married. We have sex. Do I care that people know? Not at all."

My husband on supporting my sex writing and what real comfort looks like

Jul 14, 2025

This week’s Happy Endings is a frank conversation between my husband and me on the question everyone has been asking.

Abigail:
So, darling, I’ve had multiple people ask me if you’re comfortable with Happy Endings.

They know you must be, given I’ve interviewed you here before (twice), but I think the implication isn’t ‘if,’ but ‘how’ or ‘why’ you’d be alright with me revealing details of our sex life.

So, tell me, why and how are you alright with this intimate openness?

Joe:
I mean, I guess I can’t understand why would people be bothered about that, really? I can understand if you were writing about a sexless marriage. If we hadn’t had sex in six months, I might be like, “Don’t tell anyone that.”

Abigail:
That’s interesting. Your discomfort wouldn’t be about revealing sex, but revealing lack of it. So counter-culture of you (like, how married couples have more sex, but the stories we hear are more often about the problems), right? There aren’t a lot of couples out there saying, I have a lot of sex, and I’m proud about it.

Joe:
Yeah, but I think you can tell. You can see it, even when we pick up the kids from school, or anywhere. Couples who have sex just have a different energy about them.

Abigail:
Ha! Describe that.

Joe:
It’s just a bit more… You can just tell! It expresses itself differently. Some people get down or angry. Some get frustrated about little things.

It’s better to be doing it than not.

Abigail:
So, you are comfortable with me talking about our sex life because you think it’s already obvious from our body language.

Joe:
Partly, yeah. But, also, it’s like, why would you not want people to know you have sex with your wife? You know what I mean? It’s your wife.

On Sexual Judgement and the Uncanny Valley of Kink

Abigail:
Okay, so you’re fine with people knowing we have sex. But what about how they might know the specifics of the sex we have? Does that make you uncomfortable?

Joe:
I don’t think we’re into anything that weird. So, no.

If we were into some really freakish weird stuff… No, actually, maybe that would make it even more okay. There’s a certain part of the sexual depravity spectrum that is probably really embarrassing. You might have a really weird fetish — like if you’re turned on by jelly…

Abigail:
For the Americans, that’s Jell-O. Not jam.

Joe:
Exactly. If jelly turns you on, and you make paddling pool Jell-O’s and have sex in that, you’re not going to care who knows. You know it’s weird, and you’re proud of it. And then where we’re at, I would say we’re on the light end of rough play.

Abigail:
Right. A little pizzazz.

Joe:
There’s no like bleeding or bruising. But like, there might be some watery eyes. We’re on the “watery eyes end” of the spectrum.

Abigail:
Hahaha, yeah, fair.

Joe:
Or you, with the “maybe we’ll get caught” thing.

But there’s a bit in the middle where you probably would be uncomfortable. There’s a kind of uncanny valley of kink. A murky middle. But maybe that’s just me being judgmental.

Abigail:
No, I think, the reason you’re okay with me sharing all this is that you’re just… not judgmental about sex.

The people who are surprised you’re ok with it are surprised because they are, or they know people who are, judgmental about sex.

Joe:
I am a bit judgmental. I do judge people who are having sex with someone for reasons other than wanting to. Like, if it’s out of power, or avoidance… Unless it was part of a fetishy thing.

Abigail:
Already with the caveat, haha. So, it has less to do with what someone is doing and more to do with how they feel about what you’re doing.

That’s the valley, right? If you’re embarrassed by what you’re doing, then what you’re doing becomes embarrassing.

Joe:
I don’t know, but let’s say you had a kink where you wanted me to cum in a cup and saved it for weeks and then drank it. I think I’d say we shouldn’t share that.

Abigail:
What? I kind of think that’s hilarious, and we should try it. Now I’m curious if we had a cup of semen, how it would look over time? Like with a McDonald’s hamburger.

Joe:
It’d be disgusting. But you know what I mean? There is just some stuff for me… Like if we were the people who were into alien dildos.

Abigail:
I’d be embarrassed to be an octopus dildo person.

Joe:
See? There’s a zone. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try it. I just wouldn’t share that.

Abigail:
But I think octopus dildo people aren’t embarrassed.

Joe:
That’s in with the Jell-O, you think?

Abigail:
Maybe this is just our judgments coming back.

Joe:
Yeah, I think it is. Maybe what we’re saying is we’re very comfortable with…

Abigail:
Ourselves.

Joe:
And sex.

Abigail:
Yeah. We are comfortable with ourselves, and thus, we are happy to share ourselves. And be real. And I think that makes us happier. And certainly makes us have more fun with the good stuff that we like.

On the Real Downsides of Exposure

Abigail:
Back to Happy Endings and your comfort with it — I think part of it is that we just support each other in what we do. Like, you share things you’re working on with me. I give feedback and help. You do the same. You read everything I share. You read drafts, you know what I’m working on. Not because of some sense of you needing to approve of things — you’re just part of it. You’re my partner.

Joe:
Yeah. Yeah. And, the bad side of you doing this work isn’t the exposure. It’s the time it takes. You can only do it during what I describe as premium time — when the kids are taken care of, etc.

Abigail:
Yeah, the downside of sharing is it just takes time. In turn, that’s you respecting the value it has on me.

Joe:
Yeah, but that’s another bad side. There’ve been times you’ve felt pressure to do something, and that spills over. If you’re frustrated that you can’t refine a piece to what you want it to be, you’ll then be in a bad mood about the toast taking too long, or whatever.

So all the negatives are more to do with time.

Abigail:
Yeah, and attitude. And that attitude part is, to me, a benefit: it’s something I can only work on and improve through doing, noticing, adjusting. So long term, this is a way for me to break that habit.

Joe:
Totally. I do think it’s good for you to do it. You’re shifting away from ‘localized perfectionism,’ into a more artistic way of seeing life.

On Arguments, Airing Dirty Laundry, and Self-Acceptance

Abigail:
Speaking of blasting our neuroticisms to the world, I think that’s another part of Happy Endings that some people are uncomfortable with. It isn’t just our sex life that I’m sharing, it’s the intimacy. I’ve written about our arguments, things that annoy each other about the other. That doesn’t bother you either?

Joe:
No. Maybe that’s the British in me. The idea of marriage is that you love them in spite of the things that wind you up.

To me, there’s nothing inherently embarrassing about a couple disagreeing. Or even having a row about it. I don’t think there are any couples who don’t. In fact, if anyone wants to hide that, I wonder if it’s abusive.

Abigail:
Like, what is the reason that you’re hiding arguments? Is it to control perception? Is that in an abusive way? Or is it just fear? Maybe you’re afraid of someone seeing your full self? That ties back to my “Dirty Laundry” idea. This idea of “personal things.” I don’t believe that fear is making anyone happier, even if that's the perception.

I think part of the reason we’re comfortable sharing our intimate life, and neurotic quirks, is not that I’m proud of them, but that I’ve accepted them. Because I know that in accepting them, they become less harmful to my life, and thus, your life, and our kids’ lives.

Joe:
Exactly. It’s exactly the same as the sex thing.

But there are degrees of publicness. People gossip to their friends about their partners. That, to me, is less positive than writing about it publicly.

Abigail:
I totally agree.

Joe:
Through your work, you see people who are sharing weirder shit than Jell-O, and they’re very happy about it. Sharing is only a positive thing.

On the Power of Public Privacies

Abigail:
So, to get even more specific… You have friends and colleagues, past and present, who subscribe to Happy Endings. I use our real names. Does it unsettle you that people in your personal and professional world might read about our sex life?

Joe:
To be honest with you, no, not really. Like I said, we are married. We do have sex. Do I care that people know that I have sex? Not at all.

You call Happy Endings a peep show. The way a peep show works is you don’t see everything.

Abigail:
Right, even though we’re sharing these intimate details, there are still things that are just ours.

As some MakeLoveNotPornstars have said, if someone finds you on MLNP, that means they’re also there; thus, there’s a commonality and community.

Joe:
In a way, it’s not voyeuristic because it is open. It’s not something you can be titillated by in the same way. Like if someone found something private…

Abigail:
Yes! That’s why I love what (and forgive me, this is the only thing I like about him) Jeff Bezos did when someone threatened to leak his dick pics. He went: Have at it. The power people think they can wield over you with private information is disgusting. I’d much rather be shame-free and visible than ever have someone hold power over me.

Joe:
Yeah, we even have a stack of sexy outfits on our bedroom dresser that we’d let anyone walk past.

Abigail:
We’ve had people over for dinner while there are beautiful glass dildos on the bookshelf. We’re not performative about it, but we’re also not embarrassed.

Joe:
The comfort, again. And, well, like I said, maybe we’re just lucky that we’re not engaged in anything egregious. Maybe then it’d be different.

On Perversion, Sexual Shadows, and Playing with Discomfort

Abigail:
This conversation reminds me of something I’ve been thinking about lately: People welcoming their shadow.

I’ve had people near me express deep discomfort with barely erotic erotic art. And people in comments here have suggested the only folks interested in sexuality are perverts.

As if any conversation or artistic nod about sex is deviant or shameful.

They were taught shame. And now they’re enforcing shame.

For those who think sex represents perversion: sex isn’t uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable with sex.

And, now to my point (chuckle), people’s discomfort with sexuality, and considering ‘right’ to be prudish and sterile, is a disregard of their shadow. As if they believe in avoiding the shadow, they can kill it, but it just shows up in dysfunctional ways.

As Jung says, if you integrate the shadow, it loses its power.

So, by sharing our sex life, putting it in the open, I wonder if you’d say we’re demonstrating a healthier sexual expression.

Joe:
That’s why I think that spectrum thing is fundamental. You need to have some things that are shamey for anything to have a sexy quality. There has to be an edge somewhere. If you go too far, it becomes ludicrous. If you don’t go too far, it’s beige.

Abigail:
Yeah, a little perversion is good. Healthy. It adds spice. The goal isn’t to neuter shame. But in practicing comfort with the uncomfortable, you have more power over your satisfaction and give less power to the part of it that makes it difficult.

Joe:
Yeah, exactly. Don’t get rid of all the perversion. It’s healthy to have things you’re uncomfortable with. You shouldn’t lose all shame, nor repress all that’s shameful.

Weird tangent to go on, but it’s why our kid likes scary stories all the time. It’s the same thing. It’s what we were talking about the other day with the “Four F’s” sharing a single part of the deepest bit of our brain: feeding, fleeing, fucking, and fighting. Ultimately, it’s beyond psychology. There’s a biological hardwiring to enjoy a bit of discomfort with all things erotic.

Abigail:
Then centuries of religious doctrine interfered, and here we are. Except, not you. Because you are comfortable with yourself and sex. So, thank you.

But, one final question. You’re comfortable with Happy Endings. But it’s more than that, right? Can you share what’s in it for you?

Joe:
Yeah, it’s definitely very good for our relationship.

The best part about it has been that it encourages us to talk about things and do things. We’re leaving less of the relationship on the table. If you only talk about what’s in front of you, you miss the potential for what’s under the table. Happy Endings encourages things to come up. It’s like how people say you have the best conversations in the car at night. This has us looking ahead.