Reward Sex is Hot (and Effective)

a chat with my husband on BJ bribery

This week’s Happy Endings is a conversation between my husband and me on reward sex and bribery sex. We discuss when it sucks, when it works, and how it keeps the slog of life sexy

Abby:

So, husband, I think we would agree that sex shouldn’t be a reward, or something your spouse has to “earn,” in general, right?

Joe:

It depends on the sex that is the reward, I guess?

Abby:

I’m saying “in general” — meaning, if every time we had sex, period, it was something you had to earn. That would be pretty toxic, right?

Joe:

Yeah, that wouldn’t really be a healthy place for a relationship to be in my opinion.

Abby:

Like how I wrote about maintenance sex last week. Sex is a positive for every individual. So if someone is using it as a punishment device, that’s pretty twisted.

BUT… a few times I’ve offered a surprise, extra special blow job as a reward for you to accomplish something I’ve noticed weighs on you. A tempting carrot to lure you through a shitty work task. Do you remember the first time I did that? How did you feel about it?

Joe:

Well, that felt great obviously, and I think that is the thing really with this whole idea of reward sex, that can’t be like vanilla missionary sex begrudgingly offered — the idea that is even a reward is a bit of a humiliating punishment in itself.

Abby:

Lol, tell me more.

Joe:

The implication there is like, the relationship is not balanced, I guess. One person thinks the other is so lucky to have them that they need to work for and be thankful for what, in a healthy relationship, is normal.

There really isn’t anything more humiliating than being dedicated to someone who thinks you should be thankful for their time.

Weird tangent here, but it’s a lot like Trump and his cronies — how pathetic are these people who seek his approval and then he throws them under the bus.

Like he did with the DHS woman recently and a hundred others.

Like I said — weird tangent but same principle.

Abby:

He also just said he prefers hanging out with losers because they let him talk about his successes instead of having to let another person talk about theirs. This is what people who prefer to be with someone who is lucky to have them are like… they are afraid to question their own validity, in a way.

Joe:

Yeah, that is exactly it.

Abby:

So we both feel equally lucky to be with each other. We have good sex. And we don’t hold it against the other. Most of the time.

(There are times, of course, when one of us gets a little indignant when we’re stressed and feel like life is unbalanced in general, and then blames the other for not being balanced or some shit. And sometimes we play with that imbalance.)

So, in this context, reward sex can be a fun tool for a relationship instead of a problematic function. Or maybe we call it bribery sex?

Joe:

Yeah, the thing is that the ‘reward’ element has got to feel like a reward, I suppose. It can’t be something that is just what you both enjoy, or the natural ‘organic’ sex that just happens.

Abby:

How has the reward sex, or bribery sex, helped you?

Joe:

Well, first, I’m thinking of you…

Because, I think for us, it doesn’t really work the other way around. The things that you really like, that fall into that category, are more like sex in a public place or sneaking around or something spontaneous, which aren’t well-suited to a reward-type thing.

Plus, I think you also prefer the idea of being ‘spoiled’ over being rewarded. Or kept on your toes.

You prefer surprise to knowing.

Whereas I prefer to know than be surprised.

The thing I really like about reward or bribery sex is knowing that I am going to get what I want. To that above exact point. Knowing what’s coming (insert the easy joke there) is the best part.

Abby:

Yes, I don’t think that carroting me would ever work, you’re right. I’d get crabby with you. I like to know I have my baseline of requirements met in order to be a productive and happy person. And yes, being spoiled as a surprise is the best. A surprise trophy would be better for me lol.

For you, when I’ve noticed you’re really pissed about finishing something. I’ve said, ok, stay home instead of going to swim class, and if you’ve finished by the time we’re back, you get your dream BJ. If you’re not, you only get a casual BJ, right? Has it helped?

Joe:

Yeah, definitely, but the good part is definitely in knowing that the reward is there and attainable. If that makes sense. Like it wouldn’t work as a reward if it were a chance-based thing. For me at least.

‘All you have to do to get this thing you want, exactly how you want it, is to do this thing’ — that is a hot proposition.

And also the offer itself is good too, like it’s a way of saying ‘I know you really want this thing and I want to give you that.’

And also looking at things from the other perspective, it probably gives the giver of the reward a good way in for doing things that they might not be particularly into themselves, but just enjoy being able to do something a bit different from the usual.

Abby:

Yes definitely. And you accomplish the BS you had to do. Win-win.

Joe:

And maybe now thinking about it, I am pretty sure that any kind of out-of-the-ordinary thing would work as a reward, really. Like, say nipple clamps, because that’s not something I have ever really thought about. If you said, ‘I will let you use these nipple clamps on me if you redecorate the kitchen,’ that I would find hot. Even though I have no prior interest in nipple clamps.

Abby:

Lol. Ok. I’ll get back to this nipple clamps kitchen thing.

I feel like sex is a great tool to help people in life. Like the obvious example is when I have a great o, I’m a happier, more chill woman. But more extreme is like the other day, I could tell you were needing to be more of a decisive hard ass, so I made you do that to get what you wanted from me sexually. The sex energy translates into life energy.

Joe:

Yeah, but I would also say that having an orgasm falls into the more like, common or garden stuff, that is just a given.

Also worth saying that you don’t really suffer from procrastination or need rewards as motivation. If anything, you have the opposite problem. I need to intervene in your life by literally forcing you to stop spinning your wheels on things.

And I can’t really be like, ‘hey, if you sit down and have a cup of tea and just chill out for 45 minutes, I will reward you with an orgasm.’ It’s more like, I need to make you stop spinning your wheels to even be capable of having an orgasm in the first place.

And there it’s tricky because if I were to say even the word orgasm, that would lead to even more wheel spinning.

So for me, on the flipside, it isn’t about giving you direct certainty and like ‘do this get this’ — it’s the opposite, where there are a hundred tiny and individually imperceptible nudges to help you be more relaxed.

Like bringing you coffee in bed every morning isn’t a direct lay up to an orgasm, but if I didn’t do that, then ultimately you wouldn’t probably have as many orgasms because in general you would be less relaxed and therefore less into the idea of having sex.

Abby:

Yes, you know, even these chats tee up orgasms for both of us because when I notice and see how tangibly you understand and notice me, it turns me on and sets me at ease and makes me feel loved and loving too. Like, I’m a bit emotional right now just reading that from you.

And I guess that’s what I’m doing for you with the bribes. I’m noticing your needs and trying to help you achieve them. We support each other. And sex is a tool to do that in a basic and not basic way.

Joe:

Yeah, that is very smart.

It’s noticing the flaws and the wants and aligning them, really.

I start more things than I finish, and I want to know what’s coming — you align that up.

You get tightly wound up in your head, and your body wants to be able to relax — I try to nudge things into alignment.

And sex is a good way to either build that alignment in my case, or benefit from it in yours.

Abby:

Yeah, exactly. But back to your nipple clamps and kitchen redesign shit. That is actually completely different. But also something I wanted to discuss.

It’s when we take this a step further, and maybe more toward the true meaning of rewards and bribes. It’s that shit that I selfishly want. And maybe ultimately you do too, but not as much as me. Doing tasks for the house is a good example. A better one, and one that I’ve been teasing at this last month, and TO MY UTTER SURPRISE AND DELIGHT, you spontaneously brought up and said you’d like to do in April… the BJ-supported vape weening.

These are hard things. Not things that can be fit within the timeframe of swim class. And I think we agree that carroting sexy things can benefit the process?

Joe:

This is interesting to me because I tend to think the everyday stuff is more important.

Abby:

Yes, I agree. Which is why the kitchen example is a different thing. But it’s another convo, which I also wanted to have.

[We have an extended aside about our child’s swim school, bikinis, grocery shopping, and the evening’s ragu. Then we have sex (I wore the Lara Croft suit with a patent leather fixation harness over the top).]

Can we keep this going now?

Joe:

Yes.

With the vape quitting, the bribe is good, yeah. Because it’s something you have to do alone, and it is kind of shitty vibes.

The reward seems to be best when it is just about pushing through the pain-in-the-arse type stuff.

And devising a system of sexual acts that align with the nicotine withdrawal process seemed like a perfect way to motivate me there.

It makes me think of Dante’s circles of hell:

And obviously the Gustave Doré illustrations:

Like, is this ^ day 7?

Abby:

Lol. Yes. And day 8 is Hieronymus Bosch’s “The Garden of Earthly Delights:”

We’ll bring you through the depths of human experience, baby.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Especially when, in the end, you will only be a slave to your desire and the system, not the plastic “depression stick” bodega run 3x/week.

Joe:

Don’t forget being a slave to the rhythm:

(Obviously I’m his first, but Grace Jones is another one of Joe’s muses.)

Abby:

Lmao.

Ok, and, FYI, I don’t think I’ll be making any bribes about any renovations. That’ll have to be a team effort. And maybe a surprise reward will come if I’m particularly proud of your effort 😘

Joe:

Yeah, I agree there. You’d be better doing some kind of handyman role play lol.

Abby:

Yes. Hot.

We’ll keep the bribes for the sloggy shit. And home care as ‘fun team activity.’

Speaking of… [cliff hanger for next week!!!!!!]

(Joe says this song is a northern [English] guy’s idea of romance. Which is probably exactly why I’m so romanced by him, my northern Englishman.)

SERIOUSLY. THANK YOU. I’m really so grateful to have you all communing here with me, enabling me to transcribe the conversations my husband and I so enjoy having.