6 Lessons in Love I Learned from Massage

What Getting Hundreds of Massages Has Taught Me About Love and Relationships

Sep 23, 2024

Welcome (back) to my relationship peep show. I'm Abigail, sextech leader, born-again monogamist, love lover, and mother of two. Thank you for being here.

I’ve been touched by a lot of strangers.

On a stone slab in Brooklyn, a strip mall in Portland, a paper sheet in Barcelona, no sheet al fresco in Puerto Vallarta.

Blame shit-soled shoes of adolescence, past-life karmic wounds, the byproduct of height, or a massage kink. Two appointments in a year became twelve and fifty-two. Ok, never quite fifty, but probably forty.

I’ve had a lot of massages.

Maybe it’s the accumulation of interactions - informational conduction - or perhaps the consecutive minutes of spa muzak mixing with my mind, but I’ve amassed lessons in these sessions.

I did receive tips from the professionals themselves. Some I remember vividly are: that part of your spine is numb because of your posture; your breath didn’t give away your pain; smile at the part of yourself that is struggling. But this is not a regurgitation of (massage) therapy-speak! No, these are my digestions from years of laying face down on a donut pillow. Brace yourself for bourgeois spiritualism. (Maybe I should’ve written that last line higher up. Oh well, here we go…)

1. You Don’t Know Everything

I grew up with a sister, so I was surprised to discover that hair pulling, when done well, is an incredible tension release. And, sometimes, bum slaps are neither disciplinarian nor kinky. What else might you be wrong about? Do you want to live your life never knowing what you don’t know? Don’t you want to be delighted by the surprises others have? Get out there and meet some new people, oh humble one!

2. Nobody Knows Everything

Don’t be fooled by excellent testimonials and a prestigious pedigree. Reputations built by institutional associations are as worthless as 5-star Google reviews. When it comes to what works for you, the only opinion that matters is your own. Don’t attach yourself to someone solely because others love them (especially with a three-session discount).

3. Magic is Real

Fairy tales feel make-believe until you find yourself hoping the hands behind you would touch a specific millimeter of your bare back, which is the exact pinpoint they find first. Some people have magic. Some people can really, truly know you at first sight. I’ve seen it too many times to deny it. Seek, and you too shall find.

4. “The One” Exists1

When you know someone who knows you, sees you, and treats you in a way that upsets your comprehension of physics, why would you settle for anyone else? It surprised me more than anyone to proclaim this in an oil-touched haze on a Sunday morning in East Duluth. So shattering to my truths, I’ve shared this thought before.

5. Know Yourself, Care for Yourself

Getting taken care of is lovely. Really lovely. But it’s a dependency on others. And nothing compares to self-reliance, understanding, and even self-care (no cringe or capitalism required!). Learn from the professionals and the partners how best to return to yourself.

6. Touch is Love

Everyone knows a firm hand works knots out, but I was less aware of the change ripples that come from soft touch. I was even more surprised by the effects of a still hand on my body. Touch is a language, after all. Knowing which is needed, and when, is the hardest part. Tools can hurt and heal.

Soundtrack:

Because it is, after all, the first day of autumn and thus, Rocky Horror season.

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The One is in parentheses because I believe there are many ones.