Yes you should write The Erotic's Way. Not only have our many of our erotic lives gone dormant, a point of reference for what could be has been out of sight for so long, that most of us, me, didn't even realize how sedated things had become.
Yes please write this. Your line that we are not broken, just distracted really resonated with me. Sometimes we need someone to help us find our way back. It’s just a bit hard on our own sometimes to make that start, need a little push. 🙏🏼
I totally know! I’m grateful for the nudges that got to me, and will certainly make this happen and hope it can nudge others ❤️ Thanks for the affirmation!!
I am so glad I found you! I have done SW for a long time even though I am 20. I found make love not porn last year after an extreme work related event. I don't believe in "fluffing" in my practice because its not as "fun" as people think. I believe in taking time and learning instead. Learning is what usually makes things fun for myself and even my clients they just might not know it yet. I am really taking a make love not porn approach to healing myself lately <3 and I cant wait to see what else you have to say.
The etymology of fluffer goes back to the 1950s porn sets. They were a part of the make up departments. Their job was to 'fluff' (think about fluffing a pillow while making a bed) the actors penis to make it performance ready.
The best predictor of "porn addiction" isn't money or time spent on porn. It's shame around watching it. Anything that contributes to that shame makes the problem worse.
Not only that, but blaming porn for social problems is not scientifically justifiable. This is my issue with "Make Love Not Porn." Like, why not both? They are not mutually exclusive and there's nothing wrong, fundamentally, with pornography. There was nothing wrong with erotic cave paintings and there's nothing wrong with streaming video. Can it be a problem for some people? Yes, just like literally every other pleasurable thing. But for the vast, overwhelming majority of users, it has a neutral to positive effect on their lives and relationships. That's the data.
Especially in this environment, we need to stand together, not buy into and perpetuate the authoritarian moral panic around pornography.
I wrote this piece with peevish feelings about porn blaming. My worry on the porn and sex negative progressive cultural swing of late also inspired my Cocksucking Feminist piece. It’s, as we both mention, an ancient art that will always exist so why would we ever believe it could be gotten rid of.
But I appreciate why you might have wondered. I’m only an “everyone stand together” type on Election Day. So when I see data on medias impact on young minds (whether advertising, film, sexy etc), or the new data from the Kinsey Institute that says over half of Gen Z feel porn has impacted their expectations in relationships, I think it’s useful to share another way to be.
I'm sure, in the absence of (especially male) adult role models and in an environment where sex is still heavily stigmatized and sex education is sorely lacking, much of Gen Z feels they've gotten a lot of influence from porn. That doesn't make it porn's fault, or mean the influence has been net negative.
I guess I'm just old enough to be skeptical about how much the media really impacts young minds. I lived through the Satanic Panic and Tipper Gore's war on gangsta rap and heavy metal. I've watched journalists claim that "data" show that porn and violent video games create violent kids, while time spent on both skyrocketed at the same time rates of violence plummeted.
Totally, and always love a bit of skepticism. More povs the merrier. This makes me wonder if there’s trends on body image post body-positive representative adverts.
Hey Quentin, I'm totally here for a discussion, so thanks for jumping in!
First off, there's absolutely a way to film true sex. We say 'set it and forget it.' Some people can truly be themselves even while the camera is rolling. I've seen it. MLNP has a whole team of Curators who are trained in spotting it.
Second, I agree that rape-culture infiltrates nearly everything on Earth right now, and porn is certainly included. Did you know that MLNP's mission is to end rape-culture by showing what real lovemaking looks like, and how it isn't porn? I recommend Cindy's TED Talk if you haven't seen it.
But blaming porn is not my idea of change-making. I'm working to change the makeup of what sex videos are available to the public. I'm advocating for individuals to take erotic responsibility for themselves - as I say in this essay - and to encourage people to consider who's fantasies are inhabiting their minds, really - because far too often, as you say, they are those of the many men who simply don't care about women's pleasure.
But men like my husband, who haven't watched porn in over a decade, can still have self-interested desires. That is not a bad thing. If it makes you cringe, that may mean you have some "internal work" to do, as they say.
OH and one more thing, Quentin. Although your life seems to have been filled with nasty men, I don't think they're the demographic majority any longer. See, for example, the recent study by The Kinsey Institute and Match Group - they had a question about men's top interests in sexual intercourse. The #1 thing - before their own orgasm, before having fun, or building connection - was their partner's pleasure.
Certainly, self-reported surveys are imperfect, but the KI is well-respected in its studies. I’ve had years where I too had low-to-no faith in men (you may be interested in my post next week on a Gender Blame Game), but I now operate from good faith. I believe in people, humans, love. It’s not about commercialization (in fact I just wrote about my distaste for capitalism in ‘Our Values Lost Their Value’), but in a true hope to spread love. What are your energies going toward?
The Romans had two works for BJs. Fellatio and irrumation - the latter refers to, effectively, face fucking. I don’t think that’s because of modern porn, eh?
They differentiated the two types between who had control - the giver, or the receiver. Control dynamics were sexy long before the internet.
In a safe, loving relationship, this is hot to me, too. Far more so than when a stranger online tries to intellectually dominate, and position themselves as the moral authority over my experiences and work.
No, sorry, you misunderstood. I said “tries to.” I didn’t say I felt dominated. I think the use of the word ‘projection’ is interesting, and apt. I appreciate you reading my work, and hope your partners can work through their trauma, but that’s all I have for now - I have to raise my children now 🙏
Yes you should write The Erotic's Way. Not only have our many of our erotic lives gone dormant, a point of reference for what could be has been out of sight for so long, that most of us, me, didn't even realize how sedated things had become.
Aww Max! ❤️ If it'd help you, I'll push ahead. Thanks for being here with me, excavating our true selves 😘
Yes please write this. Your line that we are not broken, just distracted really resonated with me. Sometimes we need someone to help us find our way back. It’s just a bit hard on our own sometimes to make that start, need a little push. 🙏🏼
I totally know! I’m grateful for the nudges that got to me, and will certainly make this happen and hope it can nudge others ❤️ Thanks for the affirmation!!
Excellent.
🥹 thank you, Keith!!
You are consistently a breath of sultry but fresh air.
This made my day. Thank you thank you 🥹🥰❤️
I am so glad I found you! I have done SW for a long time even though I am 20. I found make love not porn last year after an extreme work related event. I don't believe in "fluffing" in my practice because its not as "fun" as people think. I believe in taking time and learning instead. Learning is what usually makes things fun for myself and even my clients they just might not know it yet. I am really taking a make love not porn approach to healing myself lately <3 and I cant wait to see what else you have to say.
Taking time and learning is the ultimate way to live, imo - well done for figuring that out so young!
I’m glad you found me too! I hope this is useful for you. And I’d love to learn more about your lessons and work some day too ❤️ Take care xxxx
"Should I write The Erotic’s Way?"
Yes, please!!!
🥰 yay, thanks Cynthia! I’m glad you’d be interested! I’m on it 🥰
I'm excited for The Erotic's Way already! 😍
🥹 Yayyy thanks Tash!! 😘😘
You ARE writing “The Erotic’s Way,” in installments.
Now this is a perspective I hadn’t considered ❤️🥰 Thank you, Tom! 🥹
Such a fangirl of your thoughts. The Erotic Way would be a banger (heh, pun intended) hit.
🥹❤️🙏 appreciate you as always, Rachel ❤️❤️❤️ glad you’d be into it (pun back at ya!)
Another great article, thanks. But I have one question - why do you call them fluffers - what do they fluff?
Thanks so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
The etymology of fluffer goes back to the 1950s porn sets. They were a part of the make up departments. Their job was to 'fluff' (think about fluffing a pillow while making a bed) the actors penis to make it performance ready.
Glad you asked 😘
Thanks, I learn something new everyday!
Dicks
A far more succinct response, and yet, perfect 😌
The best predictor of "porn addiction" isn't money or time spent on porn. It's shame around watching it. Anything that contributes to that shame makes the problem worse.
Not only that, but blaming porn for social problems is not scientifically justifiable. This is my issue with "Make Love Not Porn." Like, why not both? They are not mutually exclusive and there's nothing wrong, fundamentally, with pornography. There was nothing wrong with erotic cave paintings and there's nothing wrong with streaming video. Can it be a problem for some people? Yes, just like literally every other pleasurable thing. But for the vast, overwhelming majority of users, it has a neutral to positive effect on their lives and relationships. That's the data.
Especially in this environment, we need to stand together, not buy into and perpetuate the authoritarian moral panic around pornography.
I 100% agree. The blame and moral panic is not my vibe. Long live erotic art. MLNP stands as a counterpoint - so, yes, the point is both!
Phew. That was the vibe I was getting from your other writing, just wanted to confirm.
I wrote this piece with peevish feelings about porn blaming. My worry on the porn and sex negative progressive cultural swing of late also inspired my Cocksucking Feminist piece. It’s, as we both mention, an ancient art that will always exist so why would we ever believe it could be gotten rid of.
But I appreciate why you might have wondered. I’m only an “everyone stand together” type on Election Day. So when I see data on medias impact on young minds (whether advertising, film, sexy etc), or the new data from the Kinsey Institute that says over half of Gen Z feel porn has impacted their expectations in relationships, I think it’s useful to share another way to be.
I'm sure, in the absence of (especially male) adult role models and in an environment where sex is still heavily stigmatized and sex education is sorely lacking, much of Gen Z feels they've gotten a lot of influence from porn. That doesn't make it porn's fault, or mean the influence has been net negative.
I guess I'm just old enough to be skeptical about how much the media really impacts young minds. I lived through the Satanic Panic and Tipper Gore's war on gangsta rap and heavy metal. I've watched journalists claim that "data" show that porn and violent video games create violent kids, while time spent on both skyrocketed at the same time rates of violence plummeted.
Totally, and always love a bit of skepticism. More povs the merrier. This makes me wonder if there’s trends on body image post body-positive representative adverts.
Hey Quentin, I'm totally here for a discussion, so thanks for jumping in!
First off, there's absolutely a way to film true sex. We say 'set it and forget it.' Some people can truly be themselves even while the camera is rolling. I've seen it. MLNP has a whole team of Curators who are trained in spotting it.
Second, I agree that rape-culture infiltrates nearly everything on Earth right now, and porn is certainly included. Did you know that MLNP's mission is to end rape-culture by showing what real lovemaking looks like, and how it isn't porn? I recommend Cindy's TED Talk if you haven't seen it.
But blaming porn is not my idea of change-making. I'm working to change the makeup of what sex videos are available to the public. I'm advocating for individuals to take erotic responsibility for themselves - as I say in this essay - and to encourage people to consider who's fantasies are inhabiting their minds, really - because far too often, as you say, they are those of the many men who simply don't care about women's pleasure.
But men like my husband, who haven't watched porn in over a decade, can still have self-interested desires. That is not a bad thing. If it makes you cringe, that may mean you have some "internal work" to do, as they say.
OH and one more thing, Quentin. Although your life seems to have been filled with nasty men, I don't think they're the demographic majority any longer. See, for example, the recent study by The Kinsey Institute and Match Group - they had a question about men's top interests in sexual intercourse. The #1 thing - before their own orgasm, before having fun, or building connection - was their partner's pleasure.
Certainly, self-reported surveys are imperfect, but the KI is well-respected in its studies. I’ve had years where I too had low-to-no faith in men (you may be interested in my post next week on a Gender Blame Game), but I now operate from good faith. I believe in people, humans, love. It’s not about commercialization (in fact I just wrote about my distaste for capitalism in ‘Our Values Lost Their Value’), but in a true hope to spread love. What are your energies going toward?
The Romans had two works for BJs. Fellatio and irrumation - the latter refers to, effectively, face fucking. I don’t think that’s because of modern porn, eh?
They differentiated the two types between who had control - the giver, or the receiver. Control dynamics were sexy long before the internet.
In a safe, loving relationship, this is hot to me, too. Far more so than when a stranger online tries to intellectually dominate, and position themselves as the moral authority over my experiences and work.
No, sorry, you misunderstood. I said “tries to.” I didn’t say I felt dominated. I think the use of the word ‘projection’ is interesting, and apt. I appreciate you reading my work, and hope your partners can work through their trauma, but that’s all I have for now - I have to raise my children now 🙏